Resilience

We spent the last week at a retreat center with other country reps from Latin America and Haiti. It was helpful to talk with other families with young kids in a similar role. I had been feeling unsure about how much I'd be working and how I would balance my responsibilities to my girls. A timely conversation with our bosses was exactly what I needed to feel supported and more confident about what's to come. I am thankful that raising our girls is seen as an important part of our job.

It was a big week for us as a family. Ellie is used to being away from us for a couple hours at a time, usually for church or Bible study. These meetings were all day, all week long, with a few breaks throughout the day. It helped that she made very fast friends with several little girls, but even that didn't always appease the crying and sadness and desire to be near mommy and daddy. I can understand why when children start preschool the parents stay at first and slowly ease into leaving the kids for longer amounts of time. 

The kids and their crafts this week.

The theme of our meetings was resilience. Michael and I are feeling a bit overwhelmed after this week. We heard repeatedly from other reps how much work this job is (which we knew before we got here), and how we will literally never be "caught up" on our work or ever get it all done. I haven't decided if that's discouraging or encouraging. A common thread of advice was to guard our time and to find balance. We need to create boundaries from the very beginning of our job. Boundaries to protect our family time such as sticking to work hours and learning to say no. There were a lot of helpful suggestions we will take from this week. 

Last night we traveled back to the city and said goodbye to most of the reps. This meant that once again Ellie had to say goodbye to friends. (We will see most of these reps next March in Bolivia). Granted, they were new friendships formed over less than a week, but they were connections for her. After a month of travel and not a lot of social interaction with kids her own age, I was able to see this week how important it is for Ellie to have friends to play with. She had a solid group of friends in Fresno that she saw at least a couple times a week, and she talks about many of them all the time. Leaving those friends (and their families) was one of the hardest parts about leaving Fresno. We will have a lot of opportunities to learn resilience in the next few years as staff and friends and family come and go in our lives. 

These girls were buddies all week.

It broke my heart to watch Ellie refuse to say goodbye to one of the little girls last night. She wanted to get off the bus and follow her friends. She keeps asking about her toys and specific dolls and we've told her they were traveling on the airplane with us in their suitcase and are in our new apartment. We thought we'd be heading there today but now we have a quiet day at a seminary before we move into our new place. Tomorrow we will do some shopping for the new place, most importantly, to find a crib for Hazel. I'm ready for her to be done sleeping in closets and makeshift beds made from sideways tables, though they seem to work fine. 

Hazel's current sleeping arrangement: a table on its side with blankets on the floor.

Last night was rough for many reasons. We were tired and got to our room at 10PM. We had to shift our expectations. Today we've been given an unexpected day of rest and quiet. Though my first choice would be to move into our apartment today I'm trying to be ok, to be patient and flexible.  I'm ready to give my girls a sense of security and to stop living out of a suitcase. I'm ready to get our new place set up and to feel at home. I'm ready for our new normal to begin. In the meantime, we are learning how to be resilient in this time of transition.

Hazel is pulling herself up on everything these days!

Our travel day

We made it safe and sound last night. The girls did really great through the whole thing. Here's my brief recap of yesterday's events:

Baggage: After haggling at the check-in counter, I was able to only have to pay for 3 of our 8 bags. Yes, 8 bags. Then we pushed our pile of "carry-ons" (I put that in quotes because they were all clearly larger than carry-ons) to the gate and they offered to check the carry-ons all the way through for free.

Flights: We got to the airport a little late, but everything went so smoothly that we had time to grab lunch for the plane and hang out a bit. The girls did good on the flight from PDX to Houston. Hazel got very tired and screamed for a while. She finally fell asleep about an hour before we landed. Ellie loved the airplane and loved watching Cirque du Soleil on the tv. 

The connection was very tight in Houston. I grabbed dinner while Mel ran the girls to the bathroom and then we boarded. We had to sit there for a little while on the runway.

The second flight was fine. The girls did great but we were all pretty tired. The flight was about half full, but because they have the "Economy Plus" section now, everyone was still cramped together in the back of the plane. Silly capitalism.

Arrival: We landed about 9:00pm Guate time. We collected our bags (on three carts) and slowly pushed all three carts plus the stroller through customs. In my stubbornness I refused to pay any of the porters to help us. So it was slow going. Everything was fine and we made it through quickly. 

We met Antony (the current Guatemala Rep for MCC) and loaded up his pickup. Ellie rode on Mel's lap and Hazel was conked out in her car seat. A short drive later we arrived at the gate (which was guarded by a guy with and AK-47.... a warm welcome indeed) of the Mennonite Seminary where we are staying today (and where we will eventually be doing language study). Except for cleaning up the shampoo that spilled in one of our bags, we basically jimmy rigged beds for the girls (E on a mattress on the floor, H in wardrobe/dresser with our bags blocking the door). Then we crashed.

We were greeted with a warm welcome this morning at breakfast by our bosses Mark and Gloria, and by all of the other Reps in Latin America. I know a few of them, so it was great to see familiar faces on our first day.

We decided to skip church to relax a bit, and later we'll move our bags to our apartment before heading to Antigua for a retreat this week. We're so glad to be here and thankful for our smooth and uneventful travels. 

Goodbye Goober

I cried my first real goodbye tears today. I was home alone for an hour while the girls played at a friend’s house. I was packing and doing a quick load of laundry when Goober, my brother’s dog, came up to me, ball in mouth, ready to play fetch.

Michael and I are not necessarily “dog people.” We realize we enjoy watching our girls with dogs but mostly would be fine without one. We don’t feel that we have the time to properly spend with a dog. The opportunity came last summer to take care of my brother’s dog while he was sent overseas with the Navy for several months. It was a win-win. We got a dog that was already trained and super good with kids without having to do all the work.

Ellie has adored Goober, who, until recently, was better known as Goo-Goo in our house. A few days ago they were outside enjoying the warm weather, playing hide and seek and playing fetch. I could hear Ellie’s squeals of delight as Goober ran circles around her. Her first chore has been to help feed Goober in the mornings. They've become buddies. 

In the last couple weeks Hazel has suddenly noticed Goober as well, and is enamored with him. She smiles and waves and crawls towards him whenever she sees him.

So, there I was this morning, switching laundry loads in our garage, when Goober came over to me with pleading eyes to throw his beloved rubber ball, something he could do for hours, and something we don’t do enough of with him. I did. He eagerly chased it and came back to me, ready for more. I started petting him and suddenly realized this was probably our last game of fetch. He’s leaving tonight to stay with my brother’s friend until he returns.

With no warning a lump sprouted in my throat followed by tears. I gave Goober a good petting, saying goodbye in my own silent way. Goober has been a fun family pet to have, even if not “really” ours. I know Ellie will be asking about him for quite some time after we say goodbye to him tonight. He’s been a good friend, a sweet dog, and a loyal companion. I’ve enjoyed taking him on several runs with my double jogging stroller.

I wouldn’t have guessed that my first emotional goodbye this week would be for the dog. I’m terribly emotional with closure and goodbyes, so this week promises to be full of crying and throat lumps.

Thanks for being a good pal to my girls, Goober. We’ll miss you. 

Ellie said, "Goober do that," and lifted her leg to pretend to pee on the tree.

Leaving People Won't Be Easy

I’ve been verbalizing my struggle to let go of things, but I haven’t mentioned something even more difficult: moving away from friends and family.

Michael and I have lived away from our family for most of our marriage. There have been short seasons when we had the opportunity to live near or with family, but otherwise, we’ve clocked a lot of Skype and video chat time in eight years.

In several discussions over the past few years, as we’ve applied to various jobs all over the country (and considered jobs all over the world), we found ourselves yearning to be closer to family. We consider the northwest our home. I spent most of my childhood in Spokane, Washington and my high school and college years in Oregon. Michael was born in Peru and in early elementary school moved to and grew up in Oregon.

Oregon is special to us. We’ve lived in Alaska, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Rwanda, and California, and Oregon has always felt the most like home. Several family members and friends have moved out of the state, but it still holds our beginnings and many memories. We met there. We were married there. It’s a mix of nostalgia and lifestyle and people. Quirky ol’ Oregon.

We’ve considered several times moving back to the northwest, but the right job and timing has never lined up. At times we were desperate to get back there, especially when life and marriage and work were extra difficult. We've since realized that our desire to move back has often been motivated by either desperation or a pure desire for change, and we also acknowledged that moving there for memory’s sake may actually disappoint us.

God’s timing is so fascinating. It took most of our three years in Fresno to get to an emotional and mental place where we were no longer dissatisfied and searching for an opportunity to leave. It was only then that this job in Guatemala opened up. It was helpful in our discernment for accepting this job to know we were finally settled and connected here and that we weren’t looking at this job simply because it was a way out of Fresno. 

We are used to seeing family occasionally, a few times a year. Our girls don’t have cousins or grandparents in town (and we don’t have any on-call babysitters). We look at pictures and video chat and do what we can to keep in touch. We are used to making friends in new places and then packing up and moving away.

I think this makes us well prepared to live in Guatemala. We will see family even less than now. We will only be back to the States once or twice, but family and friends have plans to visit us in the Land of the Eternal Spring. We will continue doing what we’ve always done to maintain contact, imperfect as it may be.

It doesn’t mean we don’t desire to be closer to family. It breaks my heart to think of how much time will go by between visits with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Five years is a long time for family and friends to grow and change. My girls won't be babies in five years. Seeing Ellie with special friends here in Fresno has made each day closer to leaving a little more difficult. I grieve the potential friendships my girls (and I) could have if we stayed in one place for several years.

We know and trust this is where the Lord is leading us. Our family accepts and supports that, though they are sad and grieving in their own way, too. Just like the possessions that we’ve sold and given away, we are sacrificing time and potential memories with family and friends that we would have if we stayed. I trust that the Lord will help us keep our precious memories close to our hearts to carry with us to Guatemala. 

Living With Less Stuff

10 days left in Fresno. One month in Oregon and Idaho.  My thoughts and emotions are mixed. I am focused on all the “to do” details-doctor appointments, paperwork, more sorting and packing, saying goodbyes-and not sure when reality will hit. 

We had two yard sales. Selling almost everything a family of four owns takes time. The night before our first sale our garage was filled to the brim, our possessions shoved in boxes and bags stacked to the ceiling, taking up every empty space. Our living room was crowded with more boxes and tables of items. We advertised well and had a consistent flow of people all morning, and the sales were steady.

I watched as our belongings that have made up much of our life together get carted off: lamps, bookshelves, kitchen appliances, toys, clothes, tools…slowly our lawn and driveway emptied.

The second weekend our garage was full of tables with things already priced and ready to go, the leftovers from our first week’s sale. Most of the furniture was gone but we had enough for a decent sale and did well. By the end of the second weekend our household had been reduced to a couple bags of a few knick knacks and clothes. Our garage was empty.

Our yard sale leftovers taken to MCC's thrift shop in Reedley..

I sold most of our furniture online. The only major items left to sell are our refrigerator, which we’ll do next week, and our car, which we’ll do up in Oregon. We are sleeping on a borrowed air mattress and our clothes are in stacks lining our bedroom walls. We have a borrowed couch in the living room, a borrowed card table and chairs, and a borrowed TV. The girls’ toys are in a cardboard box in the living room and scattered around on the floor. Bare essentials, yet we live in abundance.

People keep asking me about this process of reducing our possessions. In many ways it’s cathartic and freeing. We are loosening our hold on owning things. Many Christians espouse the view that our earthen things don’t matter, yet few of us live that way. We are instructed to not store up earthly treasures, to give away our possessions to the poor, to abandon all those people and things that block us from knowing Christ. We are told that our money and possessions are the most difficult block for us in our relationship with Christ. Yet we accumulate. 

Our personal journey includes the realization that it’s our relationship with Christ and how that connects us to people and the way we live our life that matters. To live simply is to live free. 

We Americans think we need MUCH more than we do. A bedroom for every person in the house, toys and books and gadgets and lots of space so we can keep to ourselves, several outfits so that we aren’t caught in the same clothes too often, shoes for every occasion and outfit, phones and internet to watch videos of cats and share them with our acquaintances online.

We consume and fill our garbage cans with trash, yet we have a tendency to hang on to stuff because we can’t bear the thought of letting go. Our stuff has a hold on us even as it sits gathering dust in the garage or the attic or basement. We don’t even know what’s in all of those boxes, but we keep them. We tell ourselves we might need them someday. And it gives us a sense of security to hold on. Then there's the stuff we can see, spread out throughout our home. Homes have a way of filling up with stuff, regardless of the size of the house or the number of inhabitants. We found this to be true when we lived both in a four bedroom house and in a studio apartment. 

I’m a sentimentalist. It is natural to attach meaning and memories to objects. There were brief moments of hesitation and sadness as a few items disappeared during our yard sale, mainly, toys and clothes for the girls. We have been blessed with a bountiful of gifts and hand-me-downs that are more than we can carry with us to Guatemala. We are taking toys and books and based our decisions on size and frequency of use. I’m pleased with how many we are keeping (I’m not totally depriving my children) and don’t feel like the girls are going to miss most of what we sold, but I know what they’re missing. Despite the knowledge that they can get more and that toys are just toys, and despite our intentional efforts to acknowledge that it's just "stuff," it’s still hard. We are consumers and creatures of habit.

I am thankful that I still have piles of clothes and books and toys to take with us to Guatemala. We have several boxes we are putting in long-term storage that include mementos and books and household items we may want when we return to the States in 5+ years. Though everything we own will soon fit in a small trailer or U-Haul next week, I know we are still in a state of abundance. We are not impoverished. We have choices of what to wear and what to eat and toys to play with. We are wealthy, both in things and in relationships. I won’t be looking back on our time in Fresno and reminiscing about the toaster oven I sold but rather, the friends who have reached out and blessed us in generosity and love. 

Preparations

In less than three weeks we leave Fresno and head north. We will spend our last month in the States split between Idaho with Michael's family and in Oregon. We can't wait to pause after a hectic time of preparation. Michael is looking forward to having some time with no work emails to check.

I took a quick, last minute trip to Oregon a couple weeks ago to spend a few days with my niece and nephews who were visiting from Texas. It was a special time for cousins to play and build memories before we leave for Guatemala.

My stubborn 2-year old refused to smile. And my adorable nephew was hiding behind Hazel.

Ellie loved every second she spent with her cousins. It's hard to imagine what life will be like the next time we get to see these sweet cousins. 

Hazel went swimming for the very first time with Grandma. I think we have another water fiend!

We are in the throes of preparations. We had a moving sale last weekend and sold most of what we own. It was a success, but we still have enough to put it all out on our lawn again next weekend. Michael's mom was here to help this past week and it was a huge help as we packed and sorted and sold several items on Craigslist. Our house is feeling emptier every day.

Our makeshift high chair since we sold ours.

Thanks for all your help, Buela!

We continue to process this move. I find myself focused on all that needs to get done: eye exams and dentist appointments, vaccinations and physicals, paperwork and deciding what we might have room for in our limited luggage and what we should keep in storage. At moments I remember that there's language school and then a job at the end of this process, and I am reminded that we have several changes ahead of us. Ellie has been resilient as many of her toys were carted off last weekend at our sale. Please continue to pray for our girls as they have a lot of adjustments to make in the next weeks and months.

Toddler TV Time

A friend recently asked if I had started letting Ellie watch TV. For the longest time I was the scrooge mom who steered my daughter away from all media (and sugar, but that's another post). How things change with two kids. 

I wrote this post a while ago about my thoughts on TV. Wow. It's an interesting post with plenty of statistics and written from my high-horse-only-had-one-easy-baby perspective. I still believe that watching TV should be limited and intentional for children and is 100% unnecessary for babies. But, two of the reasons I listed (and berated) for using TV are exactly mine now: taking a shower and nursing my baby. At the time I wrote this I had one child and couldn't understand why these parents couldn't just teach their kids to play by themselves. Oh boy. For those of you who read that at the time and laughed at my idealism and or inexperienced naivete, you had every right to, although at least at the time I foresaw the possibility of changing my mind after having baby #2.

Ellie started to watch short clips of cartoons or Sesame Street around the time Hazel was born. She was about 20 months old. I felt guilty. I had wanted to wait until she was at least two before letting her watch consistently. Even five or ten minutes made me uncomfortable. Somehow I felt like I was being lazy or letting her brain rot. Around the same time we started housing my brother's TV temporarily. Up until that time we didn't have a TV in our living room, which made our no TV policy much simpler. 

We started to use I-Phone games as a reward for Ellie going #2 on the potty. This increased her screen time (and her success on the potty).

We watch Netflix or Hulu and don’t turn on the TV to surf. We still don’t have cable or get local TV. There are only a few shows Ellie watches and they are considered educational. She was addicted to several Sesame Street books before her world changed and she learned that Elmo was alive and real. 

When we let Ellie watch TV I position Hazel away from it and will do this until she is much older. She doesn’t need to see the TV even for a few minutes. I still believe that to be true. She should be exploring the floor or toys or staring at her hands in front of her. There’s zero “educational” screen time at this age, no matter what Baby Einstein or any other video manufacturers claim. 

Ellie went through a stage of waking up much earlier than normal. We’d turn on an episode of Sesame Street and crawl back to bed (15-20 feet away) for a few more minutes of guilt-ridden sleep. Quickly a routine formed where she’d wake up in her way-too-early sleepy state and demand Elmo, and we realized that had to stop. Instead, books, puzzles, and Mr. Potato Head have become good early morning activities, with only the occasional Elmo as a treat.

I try to limit TV to when I’m desperate for Ellie to be preoccupied: usually, when I’m nursing Hazel (and Michael isn’t home) or when I want to take a shower.

I feed Hazel in another room and encourage Ellie to play, but if she’s doing anything other than watching a show she lasts less than five minutes before she wants to be near me and Hazel. Unfortunately, Hazel is at the stage where even the slightest noise, especially from her Daddy or sister, causes her to stop eating and look around. This is not conducive to a good feeding. In a normal week there’s one daily feeding when I need Ellie distracted, so that has been Ellie’s TV or game time for the day. I try to have days where there is zero screen time when I can manage it. 

This week Michael has been out of town and Ellie has gotten more screen time than usual. The reality is Hazel’s full tummy is very important and as long as I’m giving Ellie good attention and having lots of active play time the rest of the day, I do what’s needed, and I no longer feel (as) guilty. And, she's even learning Spanish to prepare for our move to Guatemala! My former blogging self that wrote the above post would not be happy with me, but I am more than fine with that. I no longer believe that a little exposure to media will rot her brain. On another note, I have no idea what our TV exposure will be like in Guatemala. 

And so, my ideas (or should I say ideals?) of parenting practices continue to morph with each new child and each new set of realities. This is just another way I judged other parents until I discovered, once again, the adage that as a parent, You do what you have to do.