Timing is Everything

Every mom and dad has a unique story of how he or she entered parenthood. For some, it isn't planned and isn't even a welcome thought at first. Others feel "ready" and make a conscious decision to plan, down to the timing of which month they hope to get pregnant. Still others who have the deep desire to become parents experience all levels of heartache: from "trying" month after month, to ovulation charts or taking temperatures or miscarriages or in vitro...the list can go on and on.

We've had our own version of heartache. A miscarriage at 10 weeks (I wrote about it here) followed by months of not trying due to timing issues (going to Africa), followed by 12 months of trying before we finally conceived. It was almost 3 1/2 years from the time we first decided we were ready for a baby to the time Ellie was born. Our friends and family run the gamut from accidentally getting pregnant to years of frustration and agony over wanting to have a family. We fall somewhere in the middle, I guess.

Throughout those three years I constantly found myself telling God, "I trust your timing." I knew that I wasn't going to understand why we weren't able to start our family, but I needed something to help me make sense of all the hurt and confusion as I watched what seemed to be every person around me getting pregnant, except for me. (When a couple is "trying" they are acutely aware of every baby and pregnant woman around, and those seem to multiply exponentially with each passing month). I journaled and repeated I trust your timing...I trust your timing...and for the most part, I did. I had to trust that God's grace and love is bigger and wider than I can fathom, because that's the only way I could make sense of what we were going through.

We had a couple of rough months followed by what I'd say was the hardest month of our marriage. We were working through a lot and at one point questioned if we should put "trying" on hold. Within a couple weeks of all this I finally saw two lines instead of one. Finally. During one of the most intense, emotional months of my life, after repeatedly telling God for more than 3 years that I trust God's timing, what did I do?

I questioned God's timing.

We were overjoyed to be pregnant. We were full of joy and excited and awestruck. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit there was a part of me that thought, Really, God? Now? Why not a couple months ago? Maybe we could have avoided some hard things we were dealing with if we had gotten pregnant a few months earlier? Or, why not wait another month or two? Make sure we're on solid footing before we conceive? Out of the last 41 months, you choose THIS one? Now?

Hindsight is 20/20, sometimes, and I can say that I've come to understand in at least several small ways why this timing was perfect for us. I learned that God's grace and love really is bigger and wider than I can fathom. But also, I have the most amazing, beautiful, special, joyful little girl named Ellie Grace. God's timing IS perfect.

Why am I thinking about all this? Because once again, I am questioning God's timing. We are trying to understand what's in store for us next, and all I can do is cry out to God in frustration. And I keep hearing a response, deep in my heart...

Trust MY timing. It's perfect. You'll see.