A Peek Into Today's Journal

(Excerpts from today's journal entry. In other words, a disclaimer: The following thoughts may be disconnected and on the pessimistic side. But they are the thoughts of a pregnant mom with two little ones who needs to clear her jumbled heart.)

I seem to pick up my journal only when I'm super overwhelmed. I miss having mom friends, especially English speaking ones where I can really express myself. It can be very lonely here, as a mom, as a wife, as a person.

I know losing my patience is "normal" as a mom, but I hate that it's my girls who bear the brunt of it most of the time. It's not THAT big of a deal that I cleaned up 5 or 6 pee accidents in less than 30 minutes. So why does it bring out the worst in me? The yelling, impatient, irrational, mean, frustrated mommy in me? My emotions, my anger, and my frustration too often get the best of me. I overreact.

Today I found myself in the middle of reacting to a situation, and I pictured in my mind a much better way I should have been responding. It was like I was an actor in a movie, acting as the mom no one imagines themselves becoming. I caught a glimpse of what I could do, and instead, I kept on going and reacting. It was easier to keep going and ignore what I knew to be a better response. Is that the definition of out of control? Maybe. It felt impossible to stop and retract and choose a different path. Of course, I was cleaning up urine on the floor at the time. But I need to figure how to do that in the moment. For my girls. And for myself.

There's a word in Guatemala, "chipe" (chee-pay), that is used when the youngest child is acting out, crying, or rebelling a lot. The word is used if the mother is pregnant. When a child is crying or having tantrums or is extra needy, it means the child is reacting to their mom's pregnancy by being "chipe." Before I knew I was pregnant, people asked me if our youngest was chipe whenever she was crying or being clingy. Someone asked me this and a few days later I found out I was pregnant. Regardless, she's in a stage of "rebellion," as her teacher told us yesterday. She's having several accidents while being fully aware of what she's doing. She's being defiant, saying no, is extremely independent and must do everything herself. Everything. If I start to do something for her she retraces our steps so she can do it herself from the beginning (while screaming and crying and yelling if I resist). All. By. Herself. It could be that she's chipe, but she's also just being 2.

It's a difficult stage. It was hard with Ellie too, I remember. We have two very stubborn little girls. But, maybe because Hazel has been my Mommy's Girl, my snuggler, my affectionate one, this contrast has felt more stark. Like a slap in the face. There comes a time when a parent realizes the baby is no longer there. It's been slowly creeping up on me, this loss of her babyhood, but suddenly, it feels much more in my face. I think I have to mourn the loss of my baby girl who has turned into a full blown toddler while I prepare myself mentally for our third and final baby that will begin this cycle one more time.

This parenting thing is tough. No one can prepare you for the sudden realization that your sweet baby has become a terror. A cute, adorable, drive-me-up-the-wall terror. One of the hardest parts of being a parent lately is seeing myself in the mirror, seeing all the worst parts of me as a human. Because that's what parenting does. It brings out the worst in us at times. Of course there are precious moments when it brings out the best in us, and in those I need to dwell during my moments of discouragement and frustration.

Dancing, a New School, and Another Spanish Blunder

The girls had their Clausura (closing night) for their school a couple weeks ago. Usually these involve dancing and/or singing of some kind.

Ellie dancing with her class. There are 2 girls and 6 boys in her age group. 

It was held at 7:30 in a place pretty far away on a Friday night. It was pouring rain and both girls fell asleep in the car on the way there. Ellie woke up fine, but Hazel never seemed to snap out of it. I think she would have slept for the night, had we let her.

One of Ellie's little buddies.

The school sends us special notes all the time with reminders. For this Clausura we received instructions on what to wear. I thought I read it all correctly, and didn't take time to double check one of the Spanish phrases, but I was pretty sure I remembered the meaning from the last Clausura.

This is Hazel's class. Notice anything odd? Yes, she's in a totally different outfit than her classmates.
I read the note to mean Hazel was supposed to wear her tulle pink skirt and pink tights (and no mention of a shirt, so I went with white.)

As you can see from the picture, I was a bit off. She was supposed to wear a jean skirt, with a pink shirt and pink tights. Silly gringos. I blame the lack of commas on the list that added more confusion to the mix. Use your commas to separate listed items, people!!

For Ellie, we knew she was supposed to wear overalls, a yellow shirt, and a red bandana, but unfortunately I couldn't find overalls anywhere. We were close enough.

Compared to previous presentations, both girls have markedly changed. I was so happy Hazel wasn't screaming and crying for me during the whole song/dance that I didn't mind that she just stood there. Literally, just stood there. Doing nothing. Except standing. But not crying, so that was a win. I blame that on her interrupted sleep. Everyone kept asking us afterwards why she was so serious. I think she was doing it on purpose to protest being woken up.

The girls also received little diplomas to "graduate" to their next level. Hazel received a special award for "haber dejado los pañales," which means having quit wearing diapers.

Her one smile of the night. 

The girls are going to start a new school on Monday. It's a little bittersweet. Ellie has made a few buddies at this school, and that will be hard to leave behind. But, if you ask Ellie about her new school she gets giddy and excited and starts clapping. She's very excited.

The new school has a large outdoor space to play, unlike the current school, which is basically in a house with no yard. It is a much bigger school with more kids, and seems a bit more professional. There were 8 kids in Ellie's group this year, there will be 3 classes of 4-year olds next year. She's had several days where her one or two good friends aren't at school, and she tells me, sadly, with big puppy eyes, that she played by herself. I'm hoping that will be less likely with more kids.

I say it's bittersweet to leave the current school because this is where they started in Guatemala. Their first preschool/daycare, their first "home away from home." It is definitely special for that reason. The teachers have been sweet, and the girls have been well taken care of. For that, I'm eternally grateful. But, there's also been a high turnover rate of teachers, meaning both girls have had several teachers in the 18 months they've attended. They get attached and accustomed to a teacher, and one day, without warning, that teacher is gone. That's been frustrating at times.

The one teacher the girls have had throughout their entire time at this school.

The new school has a much higher retention rate of the teachers. At the minimum, they'll have the same teachers for one whole school year, and will probably have mostly the same classmates every year, which is also a change from the current school. It's also closer to our house, which means we could walk if we have to, another plus as Michael starts traveling more without the rest of us.

The new school is bilingual, which actually made me hesitant. I like that they've been immersed in almost 100% Spanish. (There has been some English in this school, but very limited). Hazel speaks "spanglish," with a huge emphasis on the Spanish. The majority of her common words and phrases are still Spanish, though she understands completely both English and Spanish. I worry a little that having more English at school might lower her Spanish skills, but I think I'm worrying too much. They still get plenty of Spanish at church and everywhere else. And in fact, it will probably be good for her to start counting and learning some other things in English.

We had a conference with their teachers today and they told us how intelligent and great our girls are (Bragging Mommy Moment). The one teacher who has been there since the girls started was reminding us of how both girls cried so hard their first few days they turned blue! We had assured them that it was something both girls did often, but I think it stuck in their minds. Now, they rush into school every morning, toting their backpacks and ready to see their friends, barely looking back at us to wave "adios." Ellie corrects the teachers when they try to speak in English! We've been blessed and it's obvious our girls are cared for, as the teachers get tears in their eyes talking about our girls leaving. But, we're ready for a change, and excited for our girls to get settled into a new place before baby sister arrives in January.

Why Shopping With Youngsters Takes FOREVER

It's been one of those crazy days where I remember why I rarely go out with just the girls on errands.

The girls are out of school and we had a lot of errands to run to get ready for their clausura (closing ceremonies for the school year) and Ellie's birthday and party this weekend.

First, we had to go to the local used and imported-from-America store so I could look for random pieces of clothing for the girls' costumes for tonight. I mostly found success, though I couldn't find overalls for Ellie.

I did, however, find this Red Plate for about $1.25 (they can cost up to $35-40 in the States), and was pretty excited to continue this family tradition of using it on special occasions while living in Guatemala. Just in time for Ellie's birthday pancakes tomorrow morning!

Speaking of good finds, I was recently lamenting on a friend's facebook page that I don't have access to good, used books here in Guatemala, and specifically we were talking about books about child-rearing, and more specifically we were talking about this exact book, which I happened to find a few days later in Antigua in a new used book buy/sell/trade area. I'm pretty excited (not only to have found this book, which has been highly recommended to me since before Hazel was born, but ALSO, we finally have a place to take and trade used books! Our office and home are filled with random novels and books that don't really need to be a part of our MCC library, so I'm excited to have a place to take them).

Back to today: we only had one little didn't-quite-make-it-to-the-bathroom accident for my youngest, but luckily I was prepared. Unluckily, I had a lot more errands to do and no more changes of clothes.

My trip to Wal-Mart (ugh, I hate having to admit that I shopped there) would have taken half the time without the girls. Literally. It took more than an hour and a half, in what should have taken 30-45 minutes. Why? Well, when you are shopping as the only adult with youngsters, and especially when one is newly potty trained, and extra-especially when you have no more changes of clothes so every mention of "pee-pee" or "poo-poo" sends you dashing off to find the bathroom in the far corners and second level of the store, carrying a 2 year-old and dragging the 4-year old by the hand, it can take a bit longer to get through your shopping list.

This is especially exasperating when your child seems to be constipated and therefore says "poo-poo" several times. This sends me into a panic now, after our experience with Ellie at about the same age. But, every mad dash to the bathroom that results in nada is more frustrating than the last, and also more nerve-wracking, since I don't know when she might suddenly not be able to hold it. The third sprint to the bathroom was the worst, since I had just unloaded the contents of my overloaded cart onto the conveyor belt. The ladies working there were kind, and let me run to the bathroom, leaving all my items on the belt. (I was in the pregnant women/old people/wheelchair lane, so there wasn't a line behind me when I took off.) Another false alarm.

After a few hours of shopping I rewarded myself the girls with their favorite lunch spot: Pollo Campero. As soon as we walked in the door there was yet another announcement of a needed baño. But at last, after 4 trips while we were out earlier, at last, success. As I stood there waiting for my child to finish her duty, I couldn't help but think about how much worse it could have been, and thankful that it wasn't.

All to say, I remembered today why something as simple as going to the grocery store alone can be a treat for a mother or father of small children. It sounded so trivial before becoming a parent. But now I know that a trip alone ANYWHERE is a treat itself, to have the leisure to walk around and browse and shop without little voices whining and asking for things, and without having to sprint to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Unless of course you're pregnant and do need to sprint to the bathroom every 10 minutes.

Big Week

A few really random and unrelated highlights from our week:

Hazel had an especially big week. She switched from her pack 'n play to a toddler bed (which, for the moment, is a mattress on the floor). With Ellie it was a crazy disaster for months because she was always trying to get out of bed once she had freedom, but we've been really lucky with Hazel. She pretty much just stays in her bed. It also means I don't have to hold her at nap time, something that had been increasingly difficult with my growing belly.

Hazel also stopped wearing diapers. We potty trained her at the end of June but then did a lot of traveling for a few weeks and had to revert to diapers for a while. Now that we're home again we dropped them for good (except naps and bedtime), and we sent her to school for the first time this week without diapers. I have to admit, it's kind of nice to have teachers at the school who can help with this "learning" stage when there are still accidents in between successes.

In summary: my Hazel baby is a big 2-year old.

Michael made homemade yogurt this week. Twice. It's delicious and economical. We've calculated that it's less than half the price of buying it, plus we were going through so much yogurt that we have a zillion plastic containers, which we no longer need to accrue. It's also kind of great (for me) that he's made this his "thing," at least for now. I finally got an amazing homemade granola recipe from my friend Kelsey, so we have been eating yogurt and granola every single day. It's Ellie's new favorite.

Today we found out the gender of our baby. Totally not on purpose, Michael and I both wore blue shirts to the appointment. And ate a blueberry muffin afterwards.

But, in the end, is it blue or more pink in our future? Ellie has been saying it's a boy for months, and then all of a sudden today, she told us she thinks it's a sister. Find out. (If the video doesn't work, try this link).

Repost: The Disaster that was San Francisco '12

I have several posts half-written. I can't quite work up the motivation to complete them. They're mostly blah.

So, today I thought I'd repost one of my most popular blog posts ever, because, well, I need the reminder that life these days, though insane at times, could be worse.

It's a story of a trip we took to San Francisco with a recently potty trained 2-year old, and a 4 month-old. Here's the link, or you can read the text below.

Warning: excrement is mentioned occasionally in the following post. 

The Disaster that was San Francisco '12

I was looking forward to a fun family day in the Bay. We had never been as a family. Maybe we would get a caricature of the girls or buy some funny souvenirs. We planned to see Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39 and Ghirardelli Square.

As we approached the 7-mile toll bridge before the city, we heard from the back seat, "I'm poopin'."

Those two words used to make me drop what I was doing to race to the nearest bathroom, assuming it was too late. I've learned that this statement actually means, "Mommy, I need to poop now and I can hold it for maybe a few minutes but we better find a potty soon."

As I said, we were approaching the toll bridge. No toilet in sight. "Ellie, you're going to have to hold it and we will find a potty in one minute." Any time we use a time increment, it's always one more minute. "Ellie, you have one more minute of play time. Ellie, you have one more minute of time out." That minute can be anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes, and in this case, it was looking like it was going to be an eternity.

I looked at her face. She looked worried. We all realized she might not hold it. We paid the toll and slowly scooted across the bridge. "Look, Ellie, boats!" I tried to distract her. As the beautiful downtown San Francisco skyline came into view I had one thought: "That's a lot of buildings. I bet there are hundreds, no, thousands of toilets staring at us, but we can't get to even one of them."

I don't remember when I realized it was too late. My poor girl couldn't hold it any longer. She informed me that her pants were wet. She seemed sheepish and confused. I felt bad for her and was also feeling badly for the parent that would be cleaning up the mess.

We started pulling in to a parking space as another car started backing in. After a passive aggressive discussion with the older couple (I wanted to yell out my window, "we have a poopy toddler in here! That trumps you being old!" but I only mumbled it loud enough for Michael to hear), we caved in and drove to the parking garage with all of its outlandish fees.

Michael gets the hero award for cleaning up the mess of a carseat and child while I nursed Hazel in the cold, dark parking garage. We were determined to be positive and still had a whole day in front of us. This was only the second pants change of the day, after all. No big deal. (The first change was a few hours earlier. Despite making it to the toilet at the gas station Ellie's aim was off and she still needed a change of clothes. Who knew girls could aim out the toilet too?)

We loaded up our two strollers and headed towards Fisherman's Wharf. We had been given a few recommendations for lunch and were looking forward to some yummy food. We got to the restaurant and were deciding where to sit when we heard a tiny voice, "potty." Michael pushed her stroller to the bathroom and a few minutes later returned, shaking his head. Apparently they were too late, and the stroller and her pants were soaked. Of course I forgot to throw in a new pair of pants so back to the car Michael went, a 15-minute walk each way.

At lunch. Hazel was a happy girl, at least.

I found a new restaurant closer to the car and 30 minutes later I finally saw two little side ponytails up on Michael's shoulders heading my way.

After a somewhat disappointing 2PM lunch we decided we must go to Ghirardelli Square. We walked towards the chocolate tourist trap and once again heard, "potty." We were a few blocks from the Square and the public restroom within it. Michael took Ellie and started running and I would meet them there.

I got to the fountain and waited with Hazel. It was starting to get chilly outside.

Here we are waiting, the Ghirardelli sign behind us.

A more accurate depiction of how I felt about the day so far.

Michael came around the corner carrying Ellie. I was hopeful. He had made it all the way to the men's restroom only to stand in line. Several stalls of men sitting and looking at their smart phones caused my poor girl to pee on Michael's arm as they stood there, so close, yet not close enough. Thank you, men of San Francisco, for taking your sweet time on the pot so my little girl could have yet another accident.

The parking garage with our car was directly below the Square. We decided to head to the car. I could feed Hazel again, Michael could change Ellie and also get a new shirt since his was wet with pee, and then we could return for the long awaited chocolate ice cream.

Michael changed Ellie once again in the cold parking garage. 4 hours after our arrival we were in the same spot again, a few accidents later, and nothing but a quick lunch in between. We decided we were paying way too much to use the parking garage as a changing center without even getting to enjoy much of the Bay. It was getting too cold for ice cream anyway.

We had heard there are several great coffee shops to try in San Francisco. There is nothing Michael and I like more than to find a warm, cozy coffee shop on a cold day and enjoy a good cup of joe. Hopefully this would help salvage the day.

We drove a few miles and as we were parking, once again from the back seat: "I'm poopin'."

Seriously? Are you serious? You need to go AGAIN? "We're almost there. One more minute."

We parked. We got Ellie out and she started crying, "I'm poopin," and this time I knew she meant IT'S TOO LATE, I'M LITERALLY POOPING RIGHT NOW. I quickly grabbed a plastic bag, pulled her pants down, and tried to get her to squat and finish in the bag. It was a mess. She was a mess.

We debated just loading back up and heading for the hotel. I was done. The Bay had been a disaster with zero fun had by us all, except maybe Hazel who enjoyed walking around in the baby carrier. It was getting cold and our frustration level was reaching its max.

But oh, the idea of sitting in a warm coffee shop caressing a mug beckoned us. A cup of good espresso can fix a lot of bad in our book. We were determined to have at least one good thing happen in our day. Never underestimate the power of good coffee. We set off on a hunt for this shop, wondering if we had enough pants to make it through the rest of the day.

A few blocks later we found what we were searching for, only, it wasn't. It was an outdoor coffee stand. With little garden chairs to sit on. In the cold.

I forced myself to be positive: "I WILL enjoy this coffee, despite the cold. I WILL sit and relax and forget about this crazy day. I WILL enjoy a few minutes with my daughter so we can all have one good memory of this day."

The coffee was good. I sat on the cold patio furniture and released the day, trying not to be distracted by how cold I was. Ellie was sipping her first hot chocolate. Ever. It was a sweet moment. She sipped it and said, "yummy inside." Michael and I smiled at each other. "Finally. This moment is helping redeem the whole day," I thought to myself. "Despite the cold and the atmosphere, this is a precious moment." 

Ellie's first hot chocolate.

Then this happened.

I'm pretty sure she had two sips. I may have shed a few tears. Seriously. I couldn't take it anymore. The fleeting thought of redemption through hot chocolate was flowing away down the sidewalk.

We finished our coffee, let Ellie play on a nearby play structure for a few minutes, and left for the hotel.

I could explain how the hotel charged us for parking for the week when it was supposed to be included.  I could mention how tired and hungry we were and how our patience was down to zero. I could mention our tired toddler or our crying baby. But I'll move on past the hotel lobby and the two cranky parents yelling at the hotel employees.

Michael and Ellie had a fun time in the pool. We ordered room service pizza. We considered finding a laundromat because two pairs of clean pants didn't seem enough for the next day of travel, but we decided to risk it. We all slept well.

We enjoyed our complimentary breakfast. The front desk ladies couldn't change the parking situation but we did get free breakfast and we were upgraded to the Executive Floor-the quiet floor with no kids. We got some dirty looks from the businessmen in their suits the next morning as our daughter yelled happily down the hallway past all of the Shhhhh! signs on each door.

We were waiting for the airport shuttle and Michael was paying at the front desk. I looked over at Ellie. She looked away and her face turned red. "Ellie, are you pooping?" It was happening right in front of me.

I threw Hazel in the car seat, bonking her head as she started to cry, scooped Ellie up, yelled to Michael across the lobby for all to hear, "She's pooping!" and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could holding 25 pounds by the armpits.

The good news was her pants could still be worn. The bad news was the shuttle had arrived and the driver made it clear he was not happy to be waiting. Michael came into the empty women's bathroom, grabbed a shoeless Ellie, I grabbed the messy clothes wrapped in paper towels, and we all ran to the front of the hotel, making the shuttle late and getting dirty looks from all aboard.

At the airport we made the decision to put a pull-up on Ellie. A little late for that thought. She stayed dry on the plane. Of course.

Ellie's first plane ride as an official passenger.

On our drive from Denver to Colorado Springs she mentioned something about potty but we just drove. She had a pull-up on and there was no way we'd make it to a toilet anyway.

Someday we hope to go back to San Francisco. I'd like to eat some ice cream at Ghirardelli Square.

Ellie did well in Colorado. The first day she was a bit tentative, but after a couple of days she was back to her potty-trained self. I think the first incident in the car on the toll bridge confused her and threw her off for a few days, but I'm happy to report that we're home and she did great both on the airplane and on our drive home. 

The Disaster that was San Francisco '12

I was looking forward to a fun family day in the Bay. We had never been as a family. Maybe we would get a caricature of the girls or buy some funny souvenirs. We planned to see Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39 and Ghirardelli Square.

As we approached the 7-mile toll bridge before the city, we heard from the back seat, "I'm poopin'."

Those two words used to make me drop what I was doing to race to the nearest bathroom, assuming it was too late. I've learned that this statement actually means, "Mommy, I need to poop now and I can hold it for maybe a few minutes but we better find a potty soon."

As I said, we were approaching the toll bridge. No toilet in sight. "Ellie, you're going to have to hold it and we will find a potty in one minute." Any time we use a time increment, it's always one more minute. "Ellie, you have one more minute of play time. Ellie, you have one more minute of time out." That minute can be anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes, and in this case, it was looking like it was going to be an eternity.

I looked at her face. She looked worried. We all realized she might not hold it. We paid the toll and slowly scooted across the bridge. "Look, Ellie, boats!" I tried to distract her. As the beautiful downtown San Francisco skyline came into view I had one thought: "That's a lot of buildings. I bet there are hundreds, no, thousands of toilets staring at us, but we can't get to even one of them."

I don't remember when I realized it was too late. My poor girl couldn't hold it any longer. She informed me that her pants were wet. She seemed sheepish and confused. I felt bad for her and was also feeling badly for the parent that would be cleaning up the mess.

We started pulling in to a parking space as another car started backing in. After a passive aggressive discussion with the older couple (I wanted to yell out my window, "we have a poopy toddler in here! That trumps you being old!" but I only mumbled it loud enough for Michael to hear), we caved in and drove to the parking garage with all of its outlandish fees.

Michael gets the hero award for cleaning up the mess of a carseat and child while I nursed Hazel in the cold, dark parking garage. We were determined to be positive and still had a whole day in front of us. This was only the second pants change of the day, after all. No big deal. (The first change was a few hours earlier. Despite making it to the toilet at the gas station Ellie's aim was off and she still needed a change of clothes. Who knew girls could aim out the toilet too?)

We loaded up our two strollers and headed towards Fisherman's Wharf. We had been given a few recommendations for lunch and were looking forward to some yummy food. We got to the restaurant and were deciding where to sit when we heard a tiny voice, "potty." Michael pushed her stroller to the bathroom and a few minutes later returned, shaking his head. Apparently they were too late, and the stroller and her pants were soaked. Of course I forgot to throw in a new pair of pants so back to the car Michael went, a 15-minute walk each way.

At lunch. Hazel was a happy girl, at least.

I found a new restaurant closer to the car and 30 minutes later I finally saw two little side ponytails up on Michael's shoulders heading my way.

After a somewhat disappointing 2PM lunch we decided we must go to Ghirardelli Square. We walked towards the chocolate tourist trap and once again heard, "potty." We were a few blocks from the Square and the public restroom within it. Michael took Ellie and started running and I would meet them there.

I got to the fountain and waited with Hazel. It was starting to get chilly outside.

Here we are waiting, the Ghirardelli sign behind us.

A more accurate depiction of how I felt about the day so far.

Michael came around the corner carrying Ellie. I was hopeful. He had made it all the way to the men's restroom only to stand in line. Several stalls of men sitting and looking at their smart phones caused my poor girl to pee on Michael's arm as they stood there, so close, yet not close enough. Thank you, men of San Francisco, for taking your sweet time on the pot so my little girl could have yet another accident.

The parking garage with our car was directly below the Square. We decided to head to the car. I could feed Hazel again, Michael could change Ellie and also get a new shirt since his was wet with pee, and then we could return for the long awaited chocolate ice cream.

Michael changed Ellie once again in the cold parking garage. 4 hours after our arrival we were in the same spot again, a few accidents later, and nothing but a quick lunch in between. We decided we were paying way too much to use the parking garage as a changing center without even getting to enjoy much of the Bay. It was getting too cold for ice cream anyway.

We had heard there are several great coffee shops to try in San Francisco. There is nothing Michael and I like more than to find a warm, cozy coffee shop on a cold day and enjoy a good cup of joe. Hopefully this would help salvage the day.

We drove a few miles and as we were parking, once again from the back seat: "I'm poopin'."

Seriously? Are you serious? You need to go AGAIN? "We're almost there. One more minute."

We parked. We got Ellie out and she started crying, "I'm poopin," and this time I knew she meant IT'S TOO LATE, I'M LITERALLY POOPING RIGHT NOW. I quickly grabbed a plastic bag, pulled her pants down, and tried to get her to squat and finish in the bag. It was a mess. She was a mess.

We debated just loading back up and heading for the hotel. I was done. The Bay had been a disaster with zero fun had by us all, except maybe Hazel who enjoyed walking around in the baby carrier. It was getting cold and our frustration level was reaching its max.

But oh, the idea of sitting in a warm coffee shop caressing a mug beckoned us. A cup of good espresso can fix a lot of bad in our book. We were determined to have at least one good thing happen in our day. Never underestimate the power of good coffee. We set off on a hunt for this shop, wondering if we had enough pants to make it through the rest of the day.

A few blocks later we found what we were searching for, only, it wasn't. It was an outdoor coffee stand. With little garden chairs to sit on. In the cold.

I forced myself to be positive: "I WILL enjoy this coffee, despite the cold. I WILL sit and relax and forget about this crazy day. I WILL enjoy a few minutes with my daughter so we can all have one good memory of this day."

The coffee was good. I sat on the cold patio furniture and released the day, trying not to be distracted by how cold I was. Ellie was sipping her first hot chocolate. Ever. It was a sweet moment. She sipped it and said, "yummy inside." Michael and I smiled at each other. "Finally. This moment is helping redeem the whole day," I thought to myself. "Despite the cold and the atmosphere, this is a precious moment." 

Ellie's first hot chocolate.

Then this happened.

I'm pretty sure she had two sips. I may have shed a few tears. Seriously. I couldn't take it anymore. The fleeting thought of redemption through hot chocolate was flowing away down the sidewalk.

We finished our coffee, let Ellie play on a nearby play structure for a few minutes, and left for the hotel.

I could explain how the hotel charged us for parking for the week when it was supposed to be included.  I could mention how tired and hungry we were and how our patience was down to zero. I could mention our tired toddler or our crying baby. But I'll move on past the hotel lobby and the two cranky parents yelling at the hotel employees.

Michael and Ellie had a fun time in the pool. We ordered room service pizza. We considered finding a laundromat because two pairs of clean pants didn't seem enough for the next day of travel, but we decided to risk it. We all slept well.

We enjoyed our complimentary breakfast. The front desk ladies couldn't change the parking situation but we did get free breakfast and we were upgraded to the Executive Floor-the quiet floor with no kids. We got some dirty looks from the businessmen in their suits the next morning as our daughter yelled happily down the hallway past all of the Shhhhh! signs on each door.

We were waiting for the airport shuttle and Michael was paying at the front desk. I looked over at Ellie. She looked away and her face turned red. "Ellie, are you pooping?" It was happening right in front of me.

I threw Hazel in the car seat, bonking her head as she started to cry, scooped Ellie up, yelled to Michael across the lobby for all to hear, "She's pooping!" and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could holding 25 pounds by the armpits.

The good news was her pants could still be worn. The bad news was the shuttle had arrived and the driver made it clear he was not happy to be waiting. Michael came into the empty women's bathroom, grabbed a shoeless Ellie, I grabbed the messy clothes wrapped in paper towels, and we all ran to the front of the hotel, making the shuttle late and getting dirty looks from all aboard.

At the airport we made the decision to put a pull-up on Ellie. A little late for that thought. She stayed dry on the plane. Of course.

Ellie's first plane ride as an official passenger.

On our drive from Denver to Colorado Springs she mentioned something about potty but we just drove. She had a pull-up on and there was no way we'd make it to a toilet anyway.

Someday we hope to go back to San Francisco. I'd like to eat some ice cream at Ghirardelli Square.

Ellie did well in Colorado. The first day she was a bit tentative, but after a couple of days she was back to her potty-trained self. I think the first incident in the car on the toll bridge confused her and threw her off for a few days, but I'm happy to report that we're home and she did great both on the airplane and on our drive home. 

Sometimes Mommy Needs to Chill Out

Ellie is doing really well. I'd say she's basically potty trained during the day, with only an occasional wet accident. She seems to have no issues going #2 and I couldn't be happier about that. She still wears diapers at naptime and bedtime but is just wearing undies during the day.

I am a little paranoid about accidents. I've found myself asking Ellie, "do you need to go potty?" much more than is probably needed, to the point that I think I'm obviously annoying her. She started throwing fits and crying when I try to "force" her to go if she doesn't need to, so I'm learning to back off and only ask occasionally. She obviously knows when she needs to go and is frustrated when I bug her too often. If that's not a clear sign that I'm a nagging mom, I don't know what is. This is a learning process for me too.

One of the most surprising parts about this is how rarely Ellie actually has to use the potty. I guess I assumed that when wearing a diaper a baby is just wetting it constantly. Now that we've trained Ellie she usually goes 2-3 hours no problem. Me asking her every 20 minutes is getting old for her and for me.

So, I'm working on waiting for her to tell me, although I still ask her when we hit the 2-3 hour mark. This morning she had an accident only a few minutes after sitting on the potty (with nothing to show for it). I'm not sure why that happened. I think because we were about to "exercise" (P90X on video) and she was very excited about it, but after that she came to me twice on her own to use the potty successfully, so I know she's still getting it. I have accepted the fact that there will be occasional accidents for awhile.

The best news is she has had zero accidents when we've gone out. She almost seems to do better when we're out. She has no issue sitting on toilets in public restrooms or at other people's houses. We went to a baseball game and she did great! Granted, I asked her about the potty and took her every half an hour, but she did go twice out of the five times I took her. Yes, I know I was paranoid, but the bathroom was far away and I have no idea how long she can hold it after realizing she needs to go. I'm sure I'll get better as I get more comfortable with her schedule and only going every couple of hours.

First family baseball game. Go Grizzlies!

And now to move on past the bathroom habits of Ellie.
Here's a glimpse of what our house looks like these days:

Hazel having tummy time while Ellie does puzzles next to her.

Ellie's reward for going #2 on the potty: watching "Monkey" aka Curious George on Daddy's I-pad.

Below: Ellie's baby often does the same activities that Hazel does. She goes potty, sits in the bouncer, sleeps in Hazel's bassinet, and even lays on the mat with Hazel.

And, a random video of Ellie.

Getting Closer

I've been documenting this process of potty training both for my own future reference and because I know I have several friends who are going to be entering this world soon. I thought I'd offer my own experience for what it's worth. So, my apologies to all those family members or friends looking here for a general update. You're getting the nitty gritty right now. :)

Over the last few days we've stopped the free-for-all method and introduced "big girl underwear." Ellie was at virtually 100% success with nothing on and even though some accidents are happening with the undies, she can't go clothes-free forever. We're all going a little stir-crazy and it would be nice to have an outing soon.

Despite more accidents with undies, I have to focus on the positives:

First and foremost: Ellie has gone #2 on the potty for several days in a row! (YAY! Break out in applause here!) It seems easier for Ellie to get to the potty for this than for peeing. I'd rather have it this way for clean-up purposes. I know this can take a lot longer for some kids to master, so I'm counting my blessings.

Second: Ellie is starting to tell me "potty" when she needs help getting her undies off. Sometimes. I still feel like I have to be only a few steps away with the potty but so far it's working. Out next goal is to have her hold it longer so we won't need the potty right on hand. As cute as a mini-toilet is, we'd like to move it to the bathroom and not keep it in the middle of our living room floor.

The most difficult times are when I'm feeding Hazel. Sometimes I have Ellie sit on the potty while I'm nursing. Sometimes I just take the undies off. I've had to stop mid-nursing to help Ellie. Hazel is learning patience as I have to set her down to deal with an accident or another part of the process. I'm still coming up with a system for this. This is probably the hardest part about being at home alone and potty training while having an infant.

Third: Ellie hasn't gotten a sticker or an M&M in the last day or two. Not because I'm not willing to give them to her but because she stopped asking or caring. When I do offer she says "nope" in that matter-of-fact toddler voice that is her answer for everything these days (even when she means "yes"). This shows she's going potty more out of habit or training and not simply for the reward. (Going #2 still gets the reward of watching a short episode of Curious George on my phone...a BIG reward for Ellie and totally worth it to have her going consistently).

Sometimes she runs right to the potty and wants to go and other times it seems like she treats undies like a diaper, having accidents on occasion. I'm wondering if this is because we are still doing diapers at nap time. Maybe it's "diaper confusion." You know, like "nipple confusion" is for babies who switch between pacifiers, bottles, and breast. OK. Maybe not. Or maybe I just came up with a new phrase.

She doesn't really like to be "forced" to sit on the potty. If she doesn't have to go, she won't go. Some  kids will go at least a little if they sit on the potty. Not Ellie. If she has to go, she goes. Otherwise, she'll sit on the potty for 10 minutes reading book without a drop, even if it's been an hour since the last time she went.  I'm starting to believe her when she says she doesn't have to go because so far it means she doesn't. I'm still having her sit on the potty at crucial times: first thing in the morning, before/after lunch in the high chair, before/after nap, and anytime I see her doing the potty dance. Otherwise, she initiates most of the trips to the potty herself. 

I'm feeling fairly confident about this process though we are nowhere near being fully trained. Ellie is doing well and every day there are even the tiniest improvements and successes. Yesterday before her nap I took her temperature and she had a fever of 101. 8. She might be teething because she has no other symptoms except not eating well yesterday. Either way, I think she gets bonus points for doing this even while feeling yucky.

Good job Ellie! We can do this!

Slow and Steady

Yesterday was a rougher day. Ellie seemed to be fighting us more throughout the process. I've heard the third or fourth day can be harder, and despite knowing this, I still started to question the process.

I think it was because she was starting to figure out the whole process and we were pushing her to sit on the potty when she didn't need to go, and she was getting frustrated.

This morning we tried training underwear on Ellie. It lasted through one accident and we decided that she wasn't ready for them yet. I was feeling doubtful and even asked Michael, "Are we pushing her too much? Maybe she isn't ready yet..."

A few minutes later Ellie suddenly stopped playing, ran to the potty and sat down, totally unprompted. She pooped! It was pretty incredible since she 1) realized she needed to go and 2) got to the potty in time to go without us saying a word. Her big reward was that she got to watch an episode of Curious George. This incentive seemed to work well!

That set a precedent for the rest of the day. A few different times she stopped completely on her own, ran to the potty and went. A couple times she would do the "potty dance" and I'd tell her to run to the potty (sometimes as she was already heading that way) and she made it every time. She didn't seem nearly as interested in her M & M and stickers as she had been. I had to remind her about them which showed me that she's going without the reward always on her mind.

Michael took her outside with the potty after dinner and she randomly put down what she was playing with, sat down and went.

Today I tried to ask a lot less often if she needed to go, and only made her sit on the potty a couple times when it had been over an hour.  She never went when I made her sit. I think she's at the point that when I ask her if she needs to pee and she says "no" she really means it. She definitely knows when she needs to go, and gets frustrated when I ask her to sit on the potty if she doesn't need to.

Obviously we have quite a way to go. We need to have Ellie learn to wear clothes and be able to go potty, but one step at a time! Today's progress was very encouraging for this Mama. Michael reminded me it may be two steps forward, one step back for a while, but slowly we are moving forward. I'm very proud of my big girl!

The Training of The Pot, Dos and Tres

Day 2 of Potty Training had a few interesting hiccups.

Hazel and I had doctor appointments so Michael stayed home with Ellie yesterday. While I was in the shower Ellie had her first #2 accident. Michael was cleaning up a mess and coaching Ellie through the accident, all with a screaming baby Hazel in the background. (I have a trooper of a husband). The rest of the day she had a few accidents but almost always stopped them and ended with a success on the potty.

Then there was yet another traumatic poop incident last night where Ellie ended up crying for Mama (I was gone) and was upset. Michael managed to fling just a tiny bit into the potty as he tried to get her to it in time, encouraging one little sticker on the potty chart (see picture below). Fortunately, the night was redeemed with another successful potty time before bed.

Three Days of Potty Training Successes

Today was a nice change because there were two parents at home. Ellie had a few more accidents where she had drops on the floor, but she always ended on the potty.

At moments we asked ourselves, Are we doing this right? Are we pushing her too much? Is this working? We've been trying to read her body language and not force the process. She seems to understand and is making progress.

We've been trying the let-her-run-around-naked from the waist down method. We weren't really sure what to do at meal times, so we decided to keep the pants off, put a towel in her high chair, and go for it. So far she's been dry at every single meal, which is a sign of progress.

Other signs of progress:

Even if she starts to go on the floor, she stops and tells us she is peeing and makes it to the potty. If we aren't in the same room and she starts to have an accident she finds us and tells us, "I peed!" or starts fussing because she doesn't like the "mess."

Tonight's biggest success was during bathtime. She'd been in the bath for quite a while and suddenly stood up and said, "potty!" We grabbed her potty from the living room, pulled her out of the bath dripping wet, and plopped her on the little toilet.

And...success!

To me this signified that she recognized her impulse to go, told me about it, waited for the potty, and then went. This gave us hope that it's working! I assumed she would have just gone in the bathtub.

We expect more accidents but tomorrow we have a slight change of plan.

Up until now she has received an M&M and a sticker for every success, even if she had an accident first. Tomorrow we are going to try only rewarding when there is no accident first. We're also going to not ask her as often to sit on the potty to gauge if she can tell on her own.

We're still working on an incentive for going #2 on the potty. She's obsessed with watching Curious George ("Monkey") so we might use that. I have a feeling that one may take a while. Any tips or suggestions would be welcome!

And just to include our little one: Michael and Hazel having a conversation.

Bye-Bye Baby/Hello Big Girl:Potty Time

This was a big week for my first-born.

On Tuesday, Ellie got her first haircut.

And then there was today,

Day One of Potty Training.

Ellie has showed "signs" of being ready. I thought I'd wait longer after having a baby, but I've been feeling good about my new routine and decided there was no reason to delay.

First,

We bought a potty several months ago and Ellie has used it a few times with success. Since we use cloth diapers she's been aware of what's been going on for a while. 

(It's been said that cloth diapered babies potty train a full year ahead of disposable babies-yet another reason to use cloth diapers!)

Then,

Last night Ellie and I took a special trip to Target and bought some big girl underwear, stickers, and M & Ms. I told her in the morning we'd be saying goodbye to her diapers.

This Morning,

When Ellie got up we took her diaper off and put her straight onto the potty, now strategically placed in the living room, in the center of our small house.

And Then,

It was no pants time!

She had her first accident on the floor right away. That helped her figure out what was going on. 

After That,

She had several successes on the potty. She got a sticker for her potty chart and one M & M each time. At the first mention of the colored candies (which she has only had once before) she headed straight to the potty.

They were a great motivator today.

Always,

At least one sentimental moment:

We watched an Elmo video called "You'll Use the Potty" and I actually teared up. 

Yes, Elmo made me cry

as I realized my baby is becoming a big girl.

Overall,

She had that first accident right away,

And two other times she started to go on the floor, stopped, went to the potty, and finished there.

She peed 8 times on the potty, in total.

I Am A Proud Mama.

I feel like it was a successful day because I made a hot dinner,

washed our cloth diapers, 

nursed our 6 week-old several times,

AND

watched my oldest daughter slip further away from babyhood.