Fall

I've started writing this post several times, but it has taken weeks to find the time and/or energy to actually finish it.

Yes, we are busy, but it feels like that's not an anomaly. The America Dream, or something?

Ellie's has been playing soccer, with practices 1-2x per week, and a game every Saturday. And Michael is the coach.

Hazel is in a co-op preschool which means I volunteer 2x/month to be at her school from 9-12, helping in her class. It's a fun chance for me to watch Hazel interact with friends. I'm also the Secretary of the Board which means, at the least, monthly board meetings.

I'm attending two different MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups. I know how hard it is to find friends, and how important Mom friends are in this stage of my life, so I knew I wanted to find ways to connect and hopefully make some friends and be encouraged. One meets once per month, the other one meets twice a month.

I'm also training for a half-marathon. My race is this weekend. I'm looking forward to the race, and also to taking a break from training. I've stayed on a training schedule virtually for 12 weeks, up until last week where I haven't done much besides my long run of 11 miles. But, I feel ready to run 13.2 on Sunday. I really never thought I'd get there!

We have been attending a church in Portland and joined a Home Group that meets every Sunday night.

In the remaining free time that I have, usually 1-2 times per week, I am working as a substitute teacher, when jobs are available. Thankfully, in the last month, I've been able to work every single day that I've been available. We are really thankful my Mom is able to help with the girls when I work. Living near family has been a significant and welcome change for us.

We've had multiple fundraisers in the first month or so of school. We've collected Box Tops, Ellie had a Fun Run at her school, I sold pies for MOPS, Ellie sold First Aid kits for her soccer team, and now we are supposed to be selling wreaths and poinsettias for Hazel's preschool. This is a new world for us!

This all means we have a full calendar. There is so much nitty gritty going on. We celebrated Ellie's 6th birthday this week. Ruby moved into a big girl bed this week, and after a couple days of staying in her bed it's been a bit of a battle.

Birthday pancakes!

Visiting Ellie's class on her birthday.

Days are long but time is flying. We've been back in the States for more than three months. We still miss Guatemala and still wonder, in moments, if we did the right thing.

I went to Ellie's teacher conference this week. Her teacher told me that Ellie is probably the best Spanish speaker in the class. She does even better than the native speakers. How? Apparently she conjugates her verbs and has a wider vocabulary. So, this was a huge encouragement that we are in a good place. I share this because, of course, I'm a super proud Mama, but also, to remind myself that our time in Guatemala has been a building block to this stage in our lives. Ellie is thriving in her Kindergarten class. Hazel is thriving in her preschool. Ruby thrives wherever we go. At church or MOPS she walks right into her little class and doesn't look back. She plays at a friend's house on the mornings I work at Hazel's school, and she walks right in there, too. She loves to sit on my lap and read books for an hour at a time. She is thriving both at home with me and around other people.

Every time I start working in the kitchen this girl pushes her stool right over so she can help.

There is so much to be thankful for. I get to have quality time with all of my girls. We still have stress in our lives, but work and home stressors have changed since we moved back to the States. And we are enjoying time as a family. Also, we're glad to be back in Oregon, despite the rain.

Happy Fall!

How to walk 20,000 steps in less than a day

Note: This list could be adjusted if one had access to a car. Or a spouse. Both things I don't have this week.

Walk your three girls to school.

Less than 10 minutes after arriving home, receive a call from said school and walk back to pick up one sick child.

30 minutes later walk to pediatrician's office. Arrive to be told he is gone for the day, and is off tomorrow (he doesn't take appointments, so no need to call ahead). Quick moment of frustration and an almost-tear (note: this won't add to your step count). Walk all the way back home.

Leave sick child at home with housekeeper and walk to office. Achieve 10,000 steps by 10AM.

Walk to pharmacy. Buy new battery for thermometer to measure level of sickness in child(ren). Walk to landlord's house to drop off late rent check. While walking, receive another call from school. Another child is sick and needs to be picked up.

Walk home, get stroller, walk to school to pick up second sick child. Go home.

15,000 steps before noon.

An hour later, walk back to the school to pick up third child. Be thankful she is healthy. For now.

At home, lay sick baby down to sleep. Walk outside neighborhood and take a taxi with two older girls to swim class.

After dropping off girls at swim class, walk to nearby coffee shop and buy an extremely well-deserved iced latte. And a bonus donut. (note: this may counteract some of the steps for the day. But who the heck cares?) Enjoy these while watching swim class and be amazed at your daughters' mad swimming skills.


After swim class, walk to play area and wait for taxi.

Arrive home. Congratulations, you've reached 20,000 steps and it's 3:30PM.

Spend at least half an hour combing through the house looking for insurance cards to make an appointment with a new doctor. That puts you at 21,000 steps. You still need to make dinner, and help your oldest with her homework in another language, while holding a fussy baby, get three kids to bed, finally take a shower, and rest those sore, aching feet. Most likely you will walk at least another couple thousand steps before you crawl into bed.

Another option to achieve 20,000 steps: go for a really, really long run.

My only advice: Next time, wear better walking shoes.

Little Sickie

Even though we have gotten our one-year old to finally sleep through the night (most nights), I have yet to have a solid night sleep since this change occurred.

I've been sick since before we started with her sleep training, so I have yet to enjoy it. My nights have been restless, between a severe sinus infection, and my other girls being sick.

Poor Ellie. She had an ear infection a few weeks ago, did a whole round of antibiotics, and it seemed at bay. Then last night her earache came back with a vengeance. She couldn't sleep, was crying and uncomfortable and in pain for several hours into the night. Michael spent a while with her back and forth in her bed and on a mattress on the floor. We parents can't catch a break, either.

At one point I sat in her bed, cradled her in my arms, and stroked her head. She fell asleep quickly, a rare feat for my girl who, like me, takes a long time to get comfortable before falling asleep.

I sat there holding her, trying to remember the last time I held her like that. In my head I could remember holding Hazel, as she fell asleep for her naps that way until about a year ago, when Ruby was born. But Ellie, I simply couldn't remember. She's my oldest, my big girl. I can remember my sweet girl, my firstborn, holding her and nursing her. I remember the emotions and full heart of holding my first baby, wondering what she'll be like as she grows up. But that feels like eons ago.

It's so cliche, but time just flies.

For weeks Michael and I had planned to go to Antigua today to share about MCC's work with a group of university students from Whitworth (Spokane, Washington). Instead, I stayed home with Ellie. She's currently sleeping in our bed. It's noon, and she has been in bed all morning. This is so unlike her, even when she's sick.

Once again, we called the pharmacy and ordered her a stronger antibiotic. Gotta' love free delivery of antibiotics to your front door.

In her delirium this morning, she's only asked me about one thing. Hazel. "Where's Hazel?" At school.

"Mommy, when Hazel gets home, can she come give me a hug?"

If there's anything sweeter, I don't know what it is.

Also, I asked her if I could hug her, since Hazel wasn't available. Nope. A kiss? Nope. I guess she wants the lovin' from her sister.

Success!

Caption: Ruby eating dirt. Or, catching her in the act.

Good news: She's sleeping through the night!

Last week we decided I wouldn't go into Ruby's room in the middle of the night. When she woke up, Michael went in to pick her up, soothe her, etc.

The first night she was pretty mad. She cried for a bit and Michael had to go in a couple times. But she finally fell asleep. The first night or two is always the hardest. Since she's a year old, and she obviously didn't need to be nursing throughout the night, it was time to break her habit. I'm not a huge fan of "crying it out," but she's not a newborn and we all needed a better routine.

The next two nights the same thing happened, but she cried a lot less and calmed down much more quickly with Michael.

I never got out of bed.

After three nights of this, she slept 11 hours straight. And last night she did it again, for the second night in a row.

In less than a week we were able to break her of her habit to wake up and cry until I nursed her back to sleep. I think me continuing to nurse her caused her to keep waking up, and as soon as she stopped getting nursed she stopped waking up.

Hopefully this continues. I share this to give my fellow Moms and Dads hope. It's possible! After several months of hesitating because I didn't want to deal with the crying, we are all sleeping better. Ironically, I put up with potentially months of crying and getting up every few hours, when, in 3 nights, she figured out how to sleep.

She is eating tons during the day, and transitioning from two naps to one, so that may be a factor. Either way, we are happy in the Chapman House!

On Sleeping. And Not Sleeping.

Ellie, around 18 months.

We've finally had it. It's time to get our baby to sleep more than a few hours at a time during the night.

I remember when Hazel was around a year old, and a friend told us his one-year old was still waking up several times a night. Michael and I had a lot of pity for him. That just sounded awful. We had been blessed with not one, but two great sleepers who had begun sleeping through the night from a few months old.

Hazel, around a year old.

Granted, we assumed a big part of that was what we had done. We worked hard with each of them. We "sleep trained" them. When we heard stories of babies not sleeping through the night, not only could we not relate, but we assumed that there must have been something they were doing wrong different than us, that it was simply a matter of figuring out the right method. I spent several months of their lives stressed and worried and bogged down by sleeping methods.

And then Ruby was born.

She has had nights when she slept through the night, but everything changed when we stopped swaddling her. Also, she took a pacifier for less than a week, and then dropped it like a bad habit.

During the last year, she's had a few miraculous nights where she suddenly decided to sleep all night. Often it is when we're on vacation or in a hotel room together. Coincidence or not, I have no idea.

I've become her pacifier. There's a term I read in a parenting book, "accidental parenting," that refers to things parents do in the moment to appease a situation that is intended as temporary, but becomes a new habit to break. This happened with Hazel when she weaned from her pacifier. She had always been content to lay down and fall asleep within five minutes with her pacifier. When we dropped the pacifier, she was so mad that I decided to pick her up and rock her to soothe her. One or two days of this turned into more than a year of needing to rock her and hold her in order for her to take a nap. (Luckily this only applied to naps. At bedtime she could sleep without this ritual. And this isn't to say that it was all bad. I mostly relished my special nap times with Hazel, especially with the guilt that I was sending her to daycare so young. Accidental parenting and guilt are closely related, I'd say.)

Accidental parenting. All the intentional things I did with my first two that I accredit to them being good sleepers went out the window with Ruby. I didn't have a "start time" every day which I based the rest of the daily schedule on. I eventually started nursing her to sleep before almost every bedtime and nap, a cardinal sin with sleep training methods. I was much less tolerant of any crying in the night. Her not taking a pacifier changed the way we did a lot of things.

And so, here we are with a one-year old who still wakes me up at least once a night, often more these days with teething and mostly habit.

We may have still been correct before. That is to say, I did things to encourage Ruby to continue waking up, so at least in part I know it's my fault that she's not as good of a sleeper. I know this isn't universal, as we've known people to try everything in the world, and still the baby wakes up. I firmly believe now, three kids later, that luck is much more at the center of getting a baby to sleep all night. The baby's personality and temperament make a big difference, maybe all the difference.

She's our third baby, and the last, and I haven't cared nearly as much. I've even embraced the late night feedings, knowing the End of All Things Baby is in the near future. Until lately. Now I'm just tired of being tired and sick of being sick. And I know there are at least some things we can do to help her figure this whole sleeping-through-the-night thing out.

Last night Ruby got her first real taste of self-soothing. Hopefully over the next few nights she will figure out she doesn't need to nurse every few hours. And we'll all sleep better.

I've learned some humility. I knew our confidence (cockiness?) that came with two good sleepers could come to an end with a not-so-great sleeper. I can accept that. I have much more empathy and can relate to a lot more parents than I ever could before.

My husband can fall asleep anywhere.

Now I just want a good night's sleep. It doesn't even have to be great. More than a few hours in a row would be fantastic. 

Thank you, White Noise App

I was supposed to head to the office today, but realized that my eyes were so watery and I was still so stuffy that I would be the opposite of productive.

With the help of our housekeeper watching Ruby, I was able to close my door, turn on my White Noise app, and sleep a couple of hours. That was good.

Of course, Ruby's response was to refuse to take an afternoon nap. Touché, Ruby.

On another note, I snapped this picture the other day. That rare moment when two of your children pick out a game, set it up, and play it together without any help from mom or dad.

My future, I hope. 

Sick as a dog (Whatever that means)

I started off the New Year running a decent amount. And then I got sick over a week ago, and I'm still fighting it. I was on such a roll...

I remember the days when I'd get a cold or the flu, it would hit me for a couple days, and then I'd be (mostly) good to go. Maybe it's because I could just take a sick day or two and ACTUALLY rest and sleep ALL DAY LONG.

The last several times I've gotten sick, it's knocked me out for a couple weeks each time. It starts off as one thing and drags into 10 different things. First I'm achy. Then sweats and chills. Then fevers. Then it turns into a runny nose, and a cough. And back around again. It's been a bit rough.

I don't know if it's because I've been working out a lot and pushing my body hard. Or because I'm old now. Or because I have a baby who STILL wakes up in the night, which only adds to my misery when I can't get more than a few hours of sleep in a row.

It's probably all those things. Plus we're so busy I barely have time to rest.

Last week I have to admit I was able to take a couple naps, and I'm able to say, with all confidence, that my girls' brains didn't rot even though they watched many hours of Netflix over a couple days so that I could try to sleep.

So, on to week two of being sick. I'm hoping I can kick this soon. The girls will be in school and I'm supposed to head into the office this week, though sleeping sounds good too.

Hour by Hour

While trying to embrace the now (previous post), I'm focusing on something else these days too.

I'm taking every day/hour/minute one at a time.

Life with three girls ages 4 and under is a bit hectic. Throw in school schedules and an intense job full of lots of responsibilities and living in a foreign country and a brand new baby, as well as things like our bosses are coming to visit and we have another work visitor coming right after that and we just found out we are moving to a different house this month and then we have meetings to plan and then we are traveling out of the country for 2 1/2 weeks, which means we are working on getting Ruby's passports (both Guatemalan and US)...life as we are living it these days.

It is easy to get overwhelmed as a parent, regardless of the current scenario. We all have our perfect storm of stress and craziness.

In general, I perceive myself to be able to "handle" it all. But then, the daily grind hits and I find myself stressed or worked up about a particular day or situation. So, I'm trying to not overwhelm myself by taking each day as it comes.

For example, Hazel is in a transition stage where she's still napping, but can have days without a nap. She won't fall asleep unless I tuck her in and stay for a few minutes. With a small infant and a 4-year old, this is only possible on days when Ruby is also already napping or content. Instead of worrying about how and when to transition Hazel out of naps, and how to juggle multiple children napping, I'm just letting each day dictate whether or not Hazel gets a nap. If Ruby is napping or content, I have the time (and patience and energy) to get Hazel down for a nap. If not, Hazel might just be going to bed earlier that night.

Dinnertime is another example. Most nights this week I've been able to make dinner since Ruby has been taking really good afternoon naps and I'm utilizing that time to prep dinner. But I've already promised myself that if we have a crazy day we might just have pancakes or crackers and cheese for dinner.

Some days I break it down and have to focus on one hour at a time. I ask myself, "What's the best use of this hour?" (Usually asked during Ruby's naps). Should I make dinner, or clean up, or fold laundry, or play a game with the girls? How can I use this time to focus on quality time with Ellie and Hazel? What's one thing I can do to feel a little less frazzled? It might be that I make myself a coffee and just sit. Or maybe I take the time to write or blog. Or sit and color with the girls. And for those minutes I just allow myself to be, amidst the mess or piles of clothes to fold or the zillion other things I could be or *should* be thinking about.

Michael is going to be doing more traveling in the next weeks/months, which means this philosophy of focusing on one day at a time will come in handy when I'm at home alone with all three girls.

Today's accomplishments (which may seem mundane, but are significant in this time of life): got the girls (all 3) dressed and ready to go for the day, took a shower and got myself ready, walked to a place nearby to check in about some work stuff, ate lunch, put down Hazel and Ruby for naps, nursed Ruby several times, made (fairly healthy) chocolate chip banana bread (BONUS, because I got to eat it warm while drinking tea), and wrote on my blog. These hours have been good ones and unfrazzled.

Here's hoping the next hour is smooth. And if not, there's always the hour after that.

Enjoy Your Kids. No Seriously, It's Possible.

Up until recently the girls and I have traveled together with Michael on every trip we've needed to take. This job includes a lot of travel. At one point we counted over 100 days per year, and that includes trips to other countries for meetings, 3-4 day trips around Guatemala and El Salvador, and lots of meetings and visits.

We've acknowledged that this pace is not sustainable as a family of 4, and especially not as a family of 5. So, I'm going to have to get used to Michael being gone for 3-4 days at a time, often.

Michael left on Wednesday and gets home tonight. YAY! On the one hand, it's an extension of what I already do on a regular basis, which is stay at home with the girls every afternoon until dinner time. Michael usually gets home in time for dinner and to help with bedtime routines. The difference when he's traveling is bedtime. For any parents out there, I don't need to expand. Bedtime can be the most taxing 30 minutes to one hour of the day.

The first day I felt overwhelmed. The prearranged taxi didn't show up at the school to pick up me and the girls, so I had to call my neighbor to pick us up. That set off the rest of the day. Too many pee accidents by my resident 2 year-old (which is abnormal these days), who also chose not to nap, not to mention that it was Dia del Niño so both girls were extra ramped up from sugar and school festivities. I barely made it to bedtime. (In case you want proof, here is a video of the girls this night).

Day one: The TV and DVD player were my co-parent, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The second day I chilled out. My mother-in-law texted me with some simple words: "Enjoy your time with the girls while Michael is gone." Oh yeah, that. I don't do that too often lately. I have fun moments with them but most days it feels like I'm just trying to accomplish tasks or get through the day until bedtime. But do I enjoy them? Do I enjoy the simple moments?

What a concept, to enjoy my girls! So, Thursday I did that. I had a great afternoon with Ellie, working on school projects, playing games, and coloring, and just trying to enjoy my girls. Of course, it helped a lot that Hazel napped. It's amazing how much my mood can be affected by someone else's nap!

Thanks, Buela and Buelo for the new coloring books we got in the mail!

In fact, I felt so relaxed and motivated and accomplished that I busted out all my scrapbooking supplies that night after bedtime. I brought Ellie's first year book here to Guatemala and have been stuck at about 10 months old since we got here. I have been feeling badly that I may never finish it, and worse, never start on Hazel's!

Scrapbooking is a form of relaxation for me, and there's probably a correlation between how long it's been since I've "crafted" and my general state of mind. The best news of all is that I completely finished Ellie's book. AND even more awesome, I finally printed Hazel's birth story and pictures and have already finished three of her pages! This momma is feeling on top of it! (Even if I finished Ellie's One Year book a couple weeks before she turns 4 and started Hazel's after she turned 2).

Yesterday was another reminder that one good day doesn't always mean two good days in a row. We were back to several accidents and short-tempers tantrums. At one point Ellie bit Hazel and my response was one of my ugliest mom moments. I know it happens, and Ellie and I talked about it soon after and I apologized for my reaction, but man, it's hard not to be impatient on Night Three of Parenting Alone! I know as a Mom I won't respond perfectly most of the time, if ever. But it's hard not to feel frustrated by our fallible responses, apology afterwards or not.

Today has been a good day, besides the girls waking up WAY TOO EARLY. Seriously, why didn't anyone tell them it was SATURDAY? However, my HUGE sense of accomplishment for having finished Ellie's book was totally worth the late night.

Today we've played and played and I've enjoyed their company. And bonus: so far no accidents to clean up, although I'm currently writing this while my youngest is singing upstairs in her room instead of napping. (Update post-nap: one accident. On. The. Couch. Grrrr.)

And Daddy comes home tonight! Hooray. The point in all of this is, some days are good, some days are not so good. I'm not thrilled with my patience level as a human being, and as a Mom my impatience is amplified times a thousand. It's hard not having other mom friends to talk to and remind me on a  regular basis, "that's normal to feel that way." But I know it is, and I have to keep reminding myself that it's normal. I also have to remind myself to enjoy my girls in between the craziness.

So far in January...

Silly sister moments

Trucks with Daddy 

First lickings of a beater

Good-bye, pacifier.
We cut the tip off, so despite Hazel's best efforts to find a way to use it, it's officially retired.
We're all still coping. Naps will never be the same again.

Sister moment caught on the stairs

This duo.
Because the only thing more fun than pizza is a pizza picnic outside...

...followed by smores.

Unlike her sister, this one has a major sweet tooth.

Quick work trip to the north. Ellie makes new friends wherever we go. 

JUMP!
SALTE!

Ellie painted this mug for Mother's Day 2 years ago. She was 18 months old. 

We brought it to Guatemala. This week, it shattered into hundreds of pieces on the floor.
Sad day for this momma. 

And now this one is 18 months old.
Happy 1 1/2 years, Hazelnut.

The Grieving Stages, Part 2

I tell myself not to get used to any one schedule or routine because the second I do it changes. I know I shouldn't be surprised but somehow it still catches me off guard, probably because I like routine and schedules more than I'm willing to admit. Yet, I blame Ellie's preferene for routine on my husband. Ha.

After a solid week or two of no naps I took matters into my own hands. I refused to accept it and was still in the frustrated stage. I got a lot of feedback after my last post and decided Ellie probably wasn't ready to give up on naps quite yet. But, how does one get a toddler to sleep?

I've found something that has been working for the last week or two. I was trying to quickly get Ellie down for a nap so I could deal with a fussy, sleepy, hungry baby, and then get her down for a nap too. Instead, I tried putting Hazel down first, letting Ellie stay up a bit later, and then getting to spend better quality time reading and getting relaxed before naptime. I then lay with Ellie for a few minutes in bed while she falls asleep.

The positive side to this: Ellie has been napping for 2-3 hours almost every day and she usually falls asleep within 5-10 minutes! Big sigh of relief. Whew.

The negative: After a week of this I was starting to resent the fact that the ONLY way for her to fall asleep was with me by her side. I know, I know, I can't be happy with no naps and I can't be happy with naps. I try to avoid accidental parenting (developing random bad habits or routines to get a child to eat/sleep/do what you want in the moment but suffer long term consequences), and I felt like this was quickly turning into an unbreakable habit.

As per my usual emotional pendulum, I had a cryfest on Sunday afternoon. We were home from church and Ellie wasn't napping. Not only was she not falling asleep while I lay by her but she was hyper and twitchy and not laying still (silly toddler not wanting to hold still). That irked me. Since we got back from Oregon several weeks ago Ellie has been extremely clingy to me and won't let Daddy do much of anything (not from lack of trying on his part!), which means I have to put her to bed and I have to read her books and I have to comfort her when she's having a meltdown and I have to help her go potty. My perfect Toddler Whisperer antics weren't working and once again I felt defeated by the game of Getting-My-Toddler-To-Sleep.

I had a good cry and then had a few aha moments that helped swing my pendulum back the other way.

First aha: It wasn't just this one nap time that was frustrating me. The girls had been taking turns waking up in the middle of the night and I was getting less sleep and feeling extra tired. I'd been slowly keeping a list of things that were making me feel disorganized and overwhelmed. I'm learning as part of my personality that my life feels chaotic and I get stressed when this small list gets too long in my head.

What was stressing me out? Oh, things like Christmas is coming and oh my gosh I haven't even thought about gifts but I want to make homemade gifts which take a lot of time and energy and thought; and, our house is a mess and that makes me feel anxious living in a small space; and, I need to order more cloth diapers because I'm tired of using one or two disposables between every laundry cycle; and, I want to spend quality time with my husband who I feel I'm ignoring; and, what should I make for dinner this week?; and, well, you get the picture.

Second aha: Some days Ellie might nap and other days she won't. New plan: continue to do what I've been doing (put Hazel down first, then Ellie) and lay with her for a few minutes. But, give myself a time limit. I can usually tell if she's going to fall asleep within a few minutes depending on if she settles down and lets me tuck her in or not. If she keeps kicking off her blankets it's possible I may just have to leave her alone and walk away, for her sake and even more for my own.

Third aha: My husband is extremely patient. I've always known this but I'm constantly reminded of this fact.

Fourth aha: I need to be thankful I have two girls who sleep. I get naps and nights that are several hours of sleeping, whereas many of my friends have much bigger sleep issues to contend with. I should probably just stop complaining and whining altogether. 

The girls seemed to have transitioned fairly well to Daylight Savings Time. (Tangent: Can someone PLEASE tell me why in the world we haven't abolished this practice, when farming is no longer a dominant industry in this country? I know there are more important issues for our politicians to tackle, but couldn't they just tack this on to some random bill like they do for so many other things? While they're at it, why don't they get rid of the Electoral College, too?)

Ellie has always been one to sleep in until 7/7:30 but since our trip to Oregon she has woken up between 6-6:30 almost every morning. Sometimes earlier. I'm hoping it's a phase but also embracing the fact that after two years this might just be her new wake up time. See? This is me growing and accepting changes to my child's routine.

And now I'm going to enjoy the rest of my coffee while I enjoy the peace and quiet of two girls napping.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance

I'm in mourning.

I think I'm in the middle stages of the grieving process, somewhere between bargaining and depression.

I've lost my afternoon break. The glorious 2-4 hours when Ellie took a nap and I could do what I wanted. I napped. I read. I made myself an espresso. I watched a guilty pleasure TV show. I crafted. I cleaned. I caught up on emails. I prepped for dinner. I did nothing. Whatever I did, it was MY time to recharge. Alone. Quiet. Ahhhhhhh.

And now....

I can't say it's 100% gone, but it's morphing. Since we returned from our trip to Oregon Ellie has stopped napping. I can blame it on our switch to the toddler bed, or maybe potty training, or maybe turning two. Regardless, this has been hard for me to accept, which is probably why it's the last stage of grief. Instead, I was trying to force sleep. You can't force sleep. Duh. I'm a very light, restless sleeper, so I know that willing sleep isn't enough to make it happen, especially on a squirrely, stubborn two-year old. But oh, how I've tried.

I've tried ignoring her, I've tried not letting her out of bed, I've tried laying down next to her. I've tried taking away toys. I've tried threats of losing out on fun post-nap activities. Nothing is working.

On Tuesday I experienced a little something I'd call a classic mom-of-a-toddler meltdown. I was frustrated and had lost all patience in the nap time department. I believe I was in the denial stage. I was hanging on to every shred of nap time possibility I could. Ellie was constantly getting out of bed to play and I had tried all of the above, and then some. I found myself getting truly angry and fired up. To be honest, I was outraged and afraid of letting my anger get the best of me. I had to leave her alone to calm down, but not without some tears on my part. We've chosen not to spank for several reasons, but I felt on the verge of desperation and physical restraint. I called Michael sobbing because I was scared of my own frustration and anger. I needed a breather. To talk it out. To change my attitude towards naps. Something. Anything. My sanity was slowing ebbing away and something needed to change.

(I don't want to explain the complex reasons we don't spank in this post. If you're curious, for a little further reading from a Biblical perspective on why NOT to spank, using the same references most Christians use to justify spanking, click here.)

I realize naps for Ellie might be mostly in the past. She has fallen asleep in the car a few late afternoons after she hasn't napped, but the lack of sleep doesn't seem to make her cranky. I'll take that. She will still have quiet time where she can read books in bed or play quietly. I still need my time to recharge. So does she. What I've had to let go of is waiting until she falls asleep to relax. It used to take her up to an hour or more to fall asleep followed by a minimum 2-3 hour nap, and I held my breath until I knew she was out before I really let my hair down. Now I just need to close the door and use my shorter time as best as I can.

The other battle is that this is the only time of day Ellie has accidents. I can't figure out if it's a control issue, as in, she's using her wet accidents as an excuse to get out of her room, or, if she doesn't understand that she can communicate her need to go potty while in her room. I've tried explaining this several times in various ways, to no avail. This only adds to the frustration that has become my afternoons.

Today I will choose to count my blessings. At least Hazel is usually napping during this afternoon quiet time. This is still my time and I can use it well. Only now instead of complete silence I hear the chattering of my two-year old as she reads and talks to herself in the next room.

I'm choosing to release my expectations and control of the afternoon. I still look forward to nap time, or I should say "quiet time," but not in the same way. Ellie still hasn't taken a nap in days, but the time she's in her room is much more peaceful and respectful. I'm not losing my sanity trying to force the impossible and have accepted the reality of the situation. Maybe I've made it to the acceptance stage after all. Good-bye, glorious long naps. You'll be missed.

Today during nap time I was able to wash dishes, start some laundry, make myself a coffee (though it turned cold before I finished it), and write this post. I was only interrupted a handful of times due to things like two wet accidents and a toddler tantrum that woke up my sleeping baby in the next room, and ended with a bit more quiet time. It has yet to be determined if my awakened baby will fall back asleep, or that I'll finish my coffee. Here's to hoping.