Embracing the Now

It's a quiet moment.

My baby is next to me on the couch, blissfully asleep. I hear horns honking, trucks revving, and the hammering of construction workers next door, but they are the busy city noises we're accustomed to.

My two oldest girls are at school. Though I fully appreciate this time at home with just Ruby that I am blessed to have, it's hard to ignore some of the thoughts that interrupt my solitude.

I should be resting, but it's hard not to think about the piles of work that continue to grow, that my husband is trying to sift through on his own, as he's back to work and I'm still on maternity leave. This is an insanely busy season for us, work-wise. It wasn't the most convenient time to have a baby and take maternity leave, but on the other hand, our calendar for 2015 is already almost full. My husband is managing more stress than any one person or new father should. But he's doing it with grace. Yesterday he and the girls took a trip to the market to buy produce while Ruby and I slept. They came home and the three of them worked together to clean it all and put it away. They made a great team.

A constant struggle for me over the last almost two years of being in Guatemala is acceptance of our decision for me to work, and for the girls to be in a daycare/preschool. I've written about this, processed it, embraced it. I know there are a lot of benefits. They are learning social skills and (the big one) Spanish. They are learning their letters and numbers and getting to paint and be crafty and play with cool outdoor toys. They have physical education and Ellie started a computer class once a week. And most importantly, they love it. They rush right into their school, barely glancing back at us. So I have peace in that.

But.

I thought I'd be a stay-at-home Mom. I thought I'd be planning playdates and library runs and coming up with my own preschool/learning crafts. (Side note: I'm not very good at coming up with lots of fun preschool activities. So in that they are getting the best end of that deal at their school.) I look at Ellie and Hazel and they seem so grown up. They are learning and changing right in front of my eyes.

Ellie is going to be 5 this year. If we wanted her to, she could start kindergarten here a year from now.

Hazel is 2 1/2. She has been going to a daycare half days since we arrived, when she was 9 months old. That's the hardest part for me to swallow. She is so young still, yet 27 days ago ceased being my baby.

And here I am at home. I experience moments of guilt for sending them off to school while I stay at home. And then moments of relief in the quiet, or in the moments like 5 minutes ago when my infant was crying inconsolably and I had to stop writing, and I'm thankful I'm not trying to appease my older two at the same time (that lovely stress happens when the girls come home at lunch time, and every afternoon and weekend).

So I remind myself it's OK to have this time with just Ruby. That it's OK to send my girls off to school even though I *could* keep them at home with me for a few weeks. We're probably all better for being in a routine.

I just have to embrace the moments. See the blessings. Drink in the quiet of snuggling my newborn who is already changing in her own ways. Because this too, shall pass, and then I will too soon be mourning its passing.