Three Little Ingredients

Baking soda (bicarbonato de soda-found in the pharmacy), baking powder (polvo para hornear-found in our local tienda), and yeast (activa seca para panificacion-found at Walmart).

Who knew such little things could be so exciting? We had to do a lot of searching to find these. 

There are still other ingredients I haven't found yet, but they are more specialty items like cocoa powder and shredded coconut.

What should I bake first? 

Las Esquelas

This morning I had the first low-key morning at home with the girls in weeks. Ellie and I played together, baked, and painted. I enjoyed trying to reestablish a sense of normalcy. Hazel had a better night last night but still woke up and still feverish. Today she was shrieking a lot which showed us she must be feeling back to herself at least a little.

This afternoon I had my first 4-hour Spanish lesson. It was fun to be able to communicate some, though I know how much I don't know too. I have five pieces of tarea (homework) to do tonight. My maestra was impressed with how much I remembered from over ten years ago in high school, and I surprised myself as well. It got me excited to continue to learn.

This week Michael goes in the morning and I go in the afternoon. Ideally they'd like us to both go in the morning. It is safer to travel together and all the classes are in the morning which includes an intentional break time with all the professors at the seminary. So, we have to make a decision if this would work for our family and how.

There is a preschool/daycare only two blocks from our apartment. Our work office is just around the corner from us so regardless of where we move in the future this preschool is very close to our office. We finally took a tour of it tonight. They are very strict about security and therefore wouldn't let us tour it while children were there during school hours. Ellie had fun playing while we toured and conversed with the director of the school. It's a mix of Montessori and Spanish/English immersion. I think it could be a great fit because I like the Montessori model and like that it's not 100% Spanish or 100% English. After our experience last week with Ellie struggling because of her inability to communicate even simple things with childcare workers, I am thankful that there will be an English and Spanish speaker teaching her class, especially at the very beginning.

There are five other children in the 2-3 year old class, a perfect size. There are two babies, a 12-month and 15 month-old, so Hazel would be the youngest baby out of three in the baby room. I'm nervous about Ellie starting school, but she seems excited (for now). She knew we went to school today and seems excited about the prospect of her "own" school with new friends where she gets to "play with balls and paint," and Hazel gets to come too. Obviously it could be a lot different when we drop her off on Monday morning, but it's a good sign that she's so interested.

Michael and I are supposed to be in class for four hours, so most likely we will drop the girls off at 8 and pick them up at about 1, right after they eat lunch. That's five hours. I'm having a hard time with this. This would be the routine for the next two months, possibly even after we begin our job. It would give us afternoons and evenings together, which is great, but five hours feels long especially after finally having a good morning at home. I teared up at the preschool thinking about it, after being away from my girls all afternoon. I know that we will all adjust, but it will take time.

I knew it would be hard to imagine leaving both girls, but I am realizing how hard it will be to leave Hazel. She'll be 10 months in a few days and it seems so young. We don't have a lot of time to look for other options for daycare, but thankfully this school seemed very secure, clean, organized, and couldn't be in a better location, and the teachers seem to know what they are doing and have good credentials.

I have to trust that this is going to work for all of us and know that it will take time to adjust. This is part of our new life and I am trusting the Lord to take care of us in the big things and the little, including keeping my girls safe and secure in a nurturing environment.

We Are Home

We moved into our apartment on Sunday. It's probably good we didn't have internet so that I couldn't get online and express some of the emotions we were feeling. We were overwhelmed for several reasons and one of us (I won't specify) actually said "I want to go home," to which the other one of us replied, "We are home."

Michael got sick on Sunday around the time I discovered that what I had hoped were simply coffee grounds were actually mouse droppings all over our cupboards with dishes, pots, silverware, and cups below the counters. We spent hours scrubbing and cleaning. Monday we were supposed to start language school but Michael ended up in bed all day and I continued to clean and scour the apartment, while trying to appease two little ones on a very dirty floor. I've never been so excited to mop.

Hazel came down with a high fever and tonight will be her third night of being feverish and sleeping in only a diaper. I'm hoping and praying she doesn't wake up several times in the night screaming and sweating. She seems a bit better today, though the fever is still present and we're pumping her with Tylenol.

Michael is feeling better. We are glad we took the last few days to clean and get settled in. The apartment finally feels put together. We've moved over a dozen times, but this is the first time we've moved into a furnished place where we had to clean and sort through all the stuff left behind.

We're finally feeling ready (emotionally, physically, and mentally) to begin language study tomorrow. Today we were able to get out and use a car to run some errands. At lunch we sat in a restaurant and looking out the window I could see Burger King, Dunkin' Donuts, and Taco Bell. Two blocks from our apartment is a large mall. We have access to so much.

Today I'm thankful for several household items we were able to purchase. I'll share a few of my favorites below. I'm not sure which I'm the most excited to use. Several more items aren't pictured, including new pillows. I can't wait to go to bed tonight.

I will never take for granted having a booster seat or high chair. Since we arrived the only access we've had to either has been in restaurants. It has made meal time extremely unpleasant as we've tried holding Hazel, feeding her from our laps, and even putting her in a stroller. She has reached a stage of desiring independence and was so content sitting in this chair tonight. She loved every second of it.
(Sidenote: we had two choices for a booster seat: Disney's Cars or Disney Princesses. Ellie chose the Cars. That's our girl!) 

Spices. I can't wait to cook and bake with these. We are still on a hunt for baking soda and baking powder. I guess people prefer going to the panaderia over baking their own bread. 

We had no frying pan until today, and with all the chopping I've done already, dull knives are no good.  

The pot isn't new, but it had been burnt and had crazy residue.  This little scrubber did its magic and I am very happy to be able to use this pot.  

Duh.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us as we transition. Today was definitely what we needed to get past feeling overwhelmed and to start making this feel like home. I'm sure many more moments of feeling over our heads are in our future, but we already feel stronger for having made it through the last few days.

Resilience

We spent the last week at a retreat center with other country reps from Latin America and Haiti. It was helpful to talk with other families with young kids in a similar role. I had been feeling unsure about how much I'd be working and how I would balance my responsibilities to my girls. A timely conversation with our bosses was exactly what I needed to feel supported and more confident about what's to come. I am thankful that raising our girls is seen as an important part of our job.

It was a big week for us as a family. Ellie is used to being away from us for a couple hours at a time, usually for church or Bible study. These meetings were all day, all week long, with a few breaks throughout the day. It helped that she made very fast friends with several little girls, but even that didn't always appease the crying and sadness and desire to be near mommy and daddy. I can understand why when children start preschool the parents stay at first and slowly ease into leaving the kids for longer amounts of time. 

The kids and their crafts this week.

The theme of our meetings was resilience. Michael and I are feeling a bit overwhelmed after this week. We heard repeatedly from other reps how much work this job is (which we knew before we got here), and how we will literally never be "caught up" on our work or ever get it all done. I haven't decided if that's discouraging or encouraging. A common thread of advice was to guard our time and to find balance. We need to create boundaries from the very beginning of our job. Boundaries to protect our family time such as sticking to work hours and learning to say no. There were a lot of helpful suggestions we will take from this week. 

Last night we traveled back to the city and said goodbye to most of the reps. This meant that once again Ellie had to say goodbye to friends. (We will see most of these reps next March in Bolivia). Granted, they were new friendships formed over less than a week, but they were connections for her. After a month of travel and not a lot of social interaction with kids her own age, I was able to see this week how important it is for Ellie to have friends to play with. She had a solid group of friends in Fresno that she saw at least a couple times a week, and she talks about many of them all the time. Leaving those friends (and their families) was one of the hardest parts about leaving Fresno. We will have a lot of opportunities to learn resilience in the next few years as staff and friends and family come and go in our lives. 

These girls were buddies all week.

It broke my heart to watch Ellie refuse to say goodbye to one of the little girls last night. She wanted to get off the bus and follow her friends. She keeps asking about her toys and specific dolls and we've told her they were traveling on the airplane with us in their suitcase and are in our new apartment. We thought we'd be heading there today but now we have a quiet day at a seminary before we move into our new place. Tomorrow we will do some shopping for the new place, most importantly, to find a crib for Hazel. I'm ready for her to be done sleeping in closets and makeshift beds made from sideways tables, though they seem to work fine. 

Hazel's current sleeping arrangement: a table on its side with blankets on the floor.

Last night was rough for many reasons. We were tired and got to our room at 10PM. We had to shift our expectations. Today we've been given an unexpected day of rest and quiet. Though my first choice would be to move into our apartment today I'm trying to be ok, to be patient and flexible.  I'm ready to give my girls a sense of security and to stop living out of a suitcase. I'm ready to get our new place set up and to feel at home. I'm ready for our new normal to begin. In the meantime, we are learning how to be resilient in this time of transition.

Hazel is pulling herself up on everything these days!

Our travel day

We made it safe and sound last night. The girls did really great through the whole thing. Here's my brief recap of yesterday's events:

Baggage: After haggling at the check-in counter, I was able to only have to pay for 3 of our 8 bags. Yes, 8 bags. Then we pushed our pile of "carry-ons" (I put that in quotes because they were all clearly larger than carry-ons) to the gate and they offered to check the carry-ons all the way through for free.

Flights: We got to the airport a little late, but everything went so smoothly that we had time to grab lunch for the plane and hang out a bit. The girls did good on the flight from PDX to Houston. Hazel got very tired and screamed for a while. She finally fell asleep about an hour before we landed. Ellie loved the airplane and loved watching Cirque du Soleil on the tv. 

The connection was very tight in Houston. I grabbed dinner while Mel ran the girls to the bathroom and then we boarded. We had to sit there for a little while on the runway.

The second flight was fine. The girls did great but we were all pretty tired. The flight was about half full, but because they have the "Economy Plus" section now, everyone was still cramped together in the back of the plane. Silly capitalism.

Arrival: We landed about 9:00pm Guate time. We collected our bags (on three carts) and slowly pushed all three carts plus the stroller through customs. In my stubbornness I refused to pay any of the porters to help us. So it was slow going. Everything was fine and we made it through quickly. 

We met Antony (the current Guatemala Rep for MCC) and loaded up his pickup. Ellie rode on Mel's lap and Hazel was conked out in her car seat. A short drive later we arrived at the gate (which was guarded by a guy with and AK-47.... a warm welcome indeed) of the Mennonite Seminary where we are staying today (and where we will eventually be doing language study). Except for cleaning up the shampoo that spilled in one of our bags, we basically jimmy rigged beds for the girls (E on a mattress on the floor, H in wardrobe/dresser with our bags blocking the door). Then we crashed.

We were greeted with a warm welcome this morning at breakfast by our bosses Mark and Gloria, and by all of the other Reps in Latin America. I know a few of them, so it was great to see familiar faces on our first day.

We decided to skip church to relax a bit, and later we'll move our bags to our apartment before heading to Antigua for a retreat this week. We're so glad to be here and thankful for our smooth and uneventful travels. 

Goodbye Goober

I cried my first real goodbye tears today. I was home alone for an hour while the girls played at a friend’s house. I was packing and doing a quick load of laundry when Goober, my brother’s dog, came up to me, ball in mouth, ready to play fetch.

Michael and I are not necessarily “dog people.” We realize we enjoy watching our girls with dogs but mostly would be fine without one. We don’t feel that we have the time to properly spend with a dog. The opportunity came last summer to take care of my brother’s dog while he was sent overseas with the Navy for several months. It was a win-win. We got a dog that was already trained and super good with kids without having to do all the work.

Ellie has adored Goober, who, until recently, was better known as Goo-Goo in our house. A few days ago they were outside enjoying the warm weather, playing hide and seek and playing fetch. I could hear Ellie’s squeals of delight as Goober ran circles around her. Her first chore has been to help feed Goober in the mornings. They've become buddies. 

In the last couple weeks Hazel has suddenly noticed Goober as well, and is enamored with him. She smiles and waves and crawls towards him whenever she sees him.

So, there I was this morning, switching laundry loads in our garage, when Goober came over to me with pleading eyes to throw his beloved rubber ball, something he could do for hours, and something we don’t do enough of with him. I did. He eagerly chased it and came back to me, ready for more. I started petting him and suddenly realized this was probably our last game of fetch. He’s leaving tonight to stay with my brother’s friend until he returns.

With no warning a lump sprouted in my throat followed by tears. I gave Goober a good petting, saying goodbye in my own silent way. Goober has been a fun family pet to have, even if not “really” ours. I know Ellie will be asking about him for quite some time after we say goodbye to him tonight. He’s been a good friend, a sweet dog, and a loyal companion. I’ve enjoyed taking him on several runs with my double jogging stroller.

I wouldn’t have guessed that my first emotional goodbye this week would be for the dog. I’m terribly emotional with closure and goodbyes, so this week promises to be full of crying and throat lumps.

Thanks for being a good pal to my girls, Goober. We’ll miss you. 

Ellie said, "Goober do that," and lifted her leg to pretend to pee on the tree.

Leaving People Won't Be Easy

I’ve been verbalizing my struggle to let go of things, but I haven’t mentioned something even more difficult: moving away from friends and family.

Michael and I have lived away from our family for most of our marriage. There have been short seasons when we had the opportunity to live near or with family, but otherwise, we’ve clocked a lot of Skype and video chat time in eight years.

In several discussions over the past few years, as we’ve applied to various jobs all over the country (and considered jobs all over the world), we found ourselves yearning to be closer to family. We consider the northwest our home. I spent most of my childhood in Spokane, Washington and my high school and college years in Oregon. Michael was born in Peru and in early elementary school moved to and grew up in Oregon.

Oregon is special to us. We’ve lived in Alaska, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Rwanda, and California, and Oregon has always felt the most like home. Several family members and friends have moved out of the state, but it still holds our beginnings and many memories. We met there. We were married there. It’s a mix of nostalgia and lifestyle and people. Quirky ol’ Oregon.

We’ve considered several times moving back to the northwest, but the right job and timing has never lined up. At times we were desperate to get back there, especially when life and marriage and work were extra difficult. We've since realized that our desire to move back has often been motivated by either desperation or a pure desire for change, and we also acknowledged that moving there for memory’s sake may actually disappoint us.

God’s timing is so fascinating. It took most of our three years in Fresno to get to an emotional and mental place where we were no longer dissatisfied and searching for an opportunity to leave. It was only then that this job in Guatemala opened up. It was helpful in our discernment for accepting this job to know we were finally settled and connected here and that we weren’t looking at this job simply because it was a way out of Fresno. 

We are used to seeing family occasionally, a few times a year. Our girls don’t have cousins or grandparents in town (and we don’t have any on-call babysitters). We look at pictures and video chat and do what we can to keep in touch. We are used to making friends in new places and then packing up and moving away.

I think this makes us well prepared to live in Guatemala. We will see family even less than now. We will only be back to the States once or twice, but family and friends have plans to visit us in the Land of the Eternal Spring. We will continue doing what we’ve always done to maintain contact, imperfect as it may be.

It doesn’t mean we don’t desire to be closer to family. It breaks my heart to think of how much time will go by between visits with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Five years is a long time for family and friends to grow and change. My girls won't be babies in five years. Seeing Ellie with special friends here in Fresno has made each day closer to leaving a little more difficult. I grieve the potential friendships my girls (and I) could have if we stayed in one place for several years.

We know and trust this is where the Lord is leading us. Our family accepts and supports that, though they are sad and grieving in their own way, too. Just like the possessions that we’ve sold and given away, we are sacrificing time and potential memories with family and friends that we would have if we stayed. I trust that the Lord will help us keep our precious memories close to our hearts to carry with us to Guatemala.