Our naptime/bedtime routine includes reading books, singing a song, getting the pacifier out of Ellie's special box, and laying down in the crib. Sometimes Ellie will talk to herself or even laugh and squeal for several minutes before she falls asleep, other times we don't hear a peep from her and she's out cold for the next 12-13 hours.
This has been the routine for months. Until two days ago.
On Wednesday I skipped one small step: the pacifier. Even as I tried to sing to Ellie she knew something was amiss. She frantically looked around for her box and saw that it was missing from its usual perch on her bookshelf. It didn't take long for her to realize I wasn't giving it to her, and the crying began. I couldn't even finish the song so I simply laid her in her crib as the cries intensified and walked out of her room, chin high, determined to make this monumental step happen for both of us.
In retrospect I think I should have at least commented on the absence of her precious pacifier. My thinking was that she wouldn't understand (though I think she does), I can't reason with her, so I will simply not give it to her. But in the moment, I just did what I did.
She cried. Hard. Screamed her new-to-us stubborn toddler scream. I distracted myself by making a coffee. Working. She stopped crying after about five minutes and I all too quickly assumed that was the worst of it. But the cries returned. Hiccups and convulsions ensued. Eventually I caved in and went it to her room. I figured she was standing and that usually means she won't lay down on her own. I picked her up, rocked her, soothed her, let her cuddle with her blankie. She calmed down and was obviously very tired, but the moment I set her down the fits started again. I gave her more time and went in again. By this time I started crying myself. This was hard work. It felt as traumatic for me as it seemed for her. Why didn't I wait until the weekend to start this when Michael is home so he could be the strong one and I could walk away from the crying? I hate feeling so helpless and questioning every move I make as a mother.
After over a half an hour of this (I think I went in there twice) I went in one more time and just rocked her until she was basically asleep. In some ways I felt like I had failed because it seemed to defeat the purpose of no pacifier, if she needed me to soothe her. But, I was hoping that would be temporary and don't plan to make that a habit.
She slept for about 90 minutes and woke up crying, a sure sign that she didn't get enough sleep. Her naps usually last closer to three hours. Normally I could rush in, give her the pacifier and she'd be out again for another hour, although that hasn't been necessary for weeks. This time I knew I couldn't do that. I tried holding her hoping she'd be tired enough to fall back to sleep, but no. I put her back in the crib and she immediately started balling. In a moment of weakness I grabbed a pacifier hoping she'd go back to sleep but she shoved it away, reaching for me instead (a relief in a way, so I don't have to feel as guilty for giving in). Nap time was over.
Michael and I went on a date that night so we decided to let her have the pacifier at bedtime since she wasn't with us. Maybe we should have stayed home, but we went with this plan.
Day one, done.
Day two. I'd been dreading naptime yesterday because of how tough the first day was for both Ellie and me. I told myself maybe she's too young (like everyone else keeps telling me), maybe we need to wait until she can verbally understand what is happening. What's the big deal, anyway, it's not like she's in kindergarten and walking around with a pacifier in her mouth?
But, deep down I knew that since I started this, to go back now would make it even tougher later. It would show her that the crying and fits worked and I don't want to back pedal. And Ellie has always had a tendency to bounce back quickly from changes.
We were out and about in the morning so by the time we got home and ate lunch it was well past her normal nap time. This could be good because she could be tired, or bad if she's overtired.
We read our books. I sang her song. She was fine for most of the song than started signing "please" and pointing to her bookshelf, where her pacifier box was once again nowhere to be seen. This time I used my words. I told her, "no more pacifier. The pacifier is all gone," and I signed "all done." She signed "all done" back, and though she seemed a bit unhappy she also seemed to take my words to heart, as if she could accept the fact that the pacifier was simply gone. (This is the same sign I use to tell her that she can't have any more raisins, or another food. They're "all gone" and she understands that means she's done. She accepts it and moves on.) I finished my song. I put her down in the crib. She didn't throw a huge fit but she did start to cry a little. I left her room, my determination renewed and feeling a bit more hopeful.
I went to the kitchen and did the dishes. The neighbor was mowing the lawn so I couldn't hear Ellie, which I welcomed. She cried halfheartedly for a few minutes and then I heard her talking and laughing. This was night and day from day one. I will take her talking and laughing for hours over a few minutes of the intense crying and drama of the first day!
She talked and giggled and played. I went in once after a while and she laughed and squealed and jumped up and down. I laid her down and told her it was time to go to sleep, did the sign for "sleep," and left. (We've found that she will stay standing and playing endlessly unless we go in and lay her down and explain it's time to sleep. That usually puts her to sleep). She talked for a while longer and I noticed her sounds were getting quieter interspersed with silence.
An hour after I put her down, the talking seized and she was out. The relief flooded over me. It was so different from the first day's experience that I wanted to cry from joy and relief. Here's to hoping her nap goes back to her usual length of time. Even if it doesn't, yesterday's experience has given me hope.
We CAN do this. We CAN wean her from the pacifier. It might take several more days to get back to a routine, but I already see the light at the end of the tunnel, and yesterday was only the second day. Maybe it was a fluke, but I think this will work.
Last night we attempted bedtime with no pacifier. Fortunately for me, Michael was home. The experience was much more like day one. She cried and wailed and Michael eventually rocked her virtually to sleep. We felt like we had a newborn all over again.
We'd agree on 10 minutes before we'd go in. Then Michael would ask, "what time is it?" 7:45.
"Now what time is it?" 7:46. "Seriously?"
"What time is it now?" Still 7:46.
Yes, it reminded us of the newborn days again. (We didn't make it to ten minutes with her hard crying. We just couldn't do it. I think we waited 6).
Ellie woke up this morning a bit earlier than her usual time, which is already so late these days that I usually feel like I overslept. I can't complain.
Day 3 nap time, here we go.
My baby is growing up. Another part of her babyhood slipping away. Sigh.
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