Whirlwind of Emotions

Last weekend was a rough welcome into the world of parenting two children. Ellie woke up Friday night with a burning fever and continued to have a fever for two days, peaking at night. I got mastitis (a plugged milk duct) that left me alternating between burning fevers/sweats and chills, and I felt achy and had flu-like symptoms all weekend. Thankfully, this all happened over the weekend so Michael was home to take care of all of us and let me rest a lot. I even woke up from a nap to a cleaned bathroom. I'm a blessed wife, thankful for my partner in parenthood.

After the weekend I had a bit of a panic about my milk supply and Hazel's health, as well as a couple major meltdowns because this whole nursing-an-infant-while-keeping-a-toddler-happy is HARD WORK. I went to the doctor and was relieved to know Hazel is doing fine. She's gaining weight and we have figured out a lot of our nursing issues. My lactation consultant told me I win the prize for not giving up and pushing through a lot of pain, when a lot of people would have given up. Thankfully, I'm healing and Hazel is eating well.

If you had called me at about noon last Monday I would have answered the phone a blubbery, hysterical crying mess. Just ask my husband, who I called while crying and lamenting, "I can't do this." I was nursing Hazel and it was taking way too long because she was so lethargic (part of why I had been worried about her). Ellie was getting impatient and starting to act out and getting into things she's not supposed to, throwing things and being defiant, requiring a time out. How in the world do you give a toddler a time out while simultaneously nursing a newborn?

The answer is probably: you don't. But, I have attempted not one, but two time outs with Ellie this week while seated in my nursing chair. Both times Ellie obediently walked over to her corner, sat down, waited until I told her she was done, walked back over to me, apologized, and moved on. I know that's rare and I need to probably just put Hazel down or come up with an alternative, but in those two instances it worked, and for the sake of my sanity, I was thankful in those moments.

What I've found to work the best is to sit on my bed with Ellie sitting next to me reading books while I nurse Hazel. It gives Ellie something to focus on, plus I can sit there and interact with her and talk about the books. It keeps Ellie somewhat contained and I'm able to give her more attention than I might sitting in the living room in a rocking chair. Slowly but surely, we are figuring this out, one day at a time.

Hazel-3 Weeks Old

I have experienced such a vast array of emotions in the last few weeks:

• Exhaustion (Should I nap or enjoy a few minutes of quiet during the girls' naps? Or finally take a shower at 2:00pm?)
• Fear (How am I ever going to handle two little ones? I CANNOT do this. What were we thinking?)
• Guilt (Am I spending enough quality time with Ellie? Am I holding Hazel enough between feedings? Am I overly emotional and taking it out on my daughter and/or husband?)
• Impatience (Feeling frustrated and having a short fuse, then feeling guilty for it.)
• Overwhelmed (Will I ever find a way to cook dinner again, to find a routine? How can I discipline a toddler and deal with her tantrums when I have a crying, hungry, poopy newborn? I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS!)

But also:

• Gratitude-I'm blessed and so thankful to have such a sweet family, and two healthy, beautiful girls. I'm grateful for friends and community who have brought us meals. Making dinner is literally the last thing I have wanted to do over the last few weeks. Oh, and Hazel is a pretty good sleeper already, sleeping for stretches of 4+ hours at night.
  
• Joy-Ellie and I have had some sweet bonding moments, including painting her fingernails for the first time. It may seem like a silly, trivial thing, but it was a special mommy/daughter moment where I got to really focus on my oldest for a bit.
• Slowly growing in confidence-Some days, or rather, some moments, I strap Hazel in the carrier and find ways to spend more quality time with Ellie. We've been swimming in her kiddie pool, blowing bubbles, drawing with chalk, doing puzzles, coloring, playing with play-dough. It's these moments that give me hope and confidence that I might be able to do this after all. I just have to focus on these moments in between the crazy, chaotic ones.