10-Minute Increments

This is a tough time for our family. We're learning a new job where it is impossible to do everything. (Literally, other people with this same role have told us to expect that we'll never get everything done.) I'm trying to balance time at the office with continuing to take Spanish classes with spending time with my girls and being a wife. I'm doing all of these things, going through the motions, but none feel like they are being done well.

I had my first breakdown at work this week. It's an overwhelming job with lots to do and not enough time to do it. Plus there's the whole everything-is-in-Spanish thing, so even sending a simple email takes twice as long because I have to think about each word and my grammar in Spanish as I type. We have a steep learning curve for understanding all the administrative issues and project dynamics.

I have had some ugly moments at home. With my girls. Parenting is so hard. Throw in all the stresses of work and culture and missing family and friends and feeling isolated, and life's a big fat lemon right now. I feel like the worst version of myself lately. I know everyone has moments of not being the best we can be...I just can't remember the last time I had a moment that actually felt close to my best.

I want so much to focus on my limited time with my daughters. I knew working part-time would be hard but I didn't anticipate it being this difficult.

Recently I read advice to take everything 10 minutes at a time. I think this is how I'm going to push through this rough patch. In 10-minute increments.

Just now, as I was writing this, I went into Ellie's room. It's rest time and she's supposed to be reading or playing quietly in her room. She had pulled all of her clothes out of her newly organized dresser. All the clean clothes were piled on the floor. Something inside me snapped and I was immediately frustrated. These are the kinds of messes and moments that have been "the last straw" for me lately. I started to scold her for the mess...and then I stopped. I got down on the floor with her, inside her tent, and asked her why her clothes were on the floor. She looked at me with her big puppy eyes, shrugged her shoulders, and said, "I wanted my baby to sleep in there so she could be right next to me." Sure enough, I peeked in the drawer and there was her baby laying ever so peacefully.

I couldn't get mad. I melted, in fact. These are the moments of every day that make up life right now. I could have scolded her and been frustrated by the mess. And frankly, that's the route I've been taking with most of the messes and happenings in the house lately. I keep telling myself maybe I'll have a better response if I just have a break during naps. Or maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and feel ready to be a better mom. Or maybe if I get to the weekend. Or maybe after these first few months in the job I'll chill out and be less tense about everything. And in the meantime, every moment is another missed opportunity to just embrace life as it's happening.

And really, who cares about the neatly folded and organized clothes? My daughter is happy and playing and instead of reprimanding her for the mess I embraced her creativity. Finally, a redemptive parenting moment.

I want to remember this situation the next time I feel the urge to get frustrated, which, my reality says will probably be sometime later today. I need to let my 2-years-and-11-months little girl be just that. I need to give her permission to make messes and be whiny and a chatterbox and ask questions. And I need to give myself permission to let go. And to just sit with my girls. And to be OK that my 14-month old is extra clingy and just wants to cuddle all afternoon. And to be OK with maybe having cereal for dinner. Because these are my moments that are slipping by, and I can choose to be frustrated or I can choose to embrace them.

My job is just a job. It's a great job and worthwhile and I'm honored to be living here in Guatemala doing this kind of work. But, my husband and my girls are my life and my priority and I need to keep them first.

And so, as a reminder to myself, here are a few moments of the every day normal that I've happened to catch on my camera, moments to embrace and just appreciate as life marches on:

Photo credit: Ellie 

I'm realizing this post is very similar to one I wrote very recently. Apparently, this is a lesson that may take several reminders.