It took us a year to get pregnant with Ellie. Before that we had miscarried and had a bout of unsuccessful "trying". Getting pregnant this time around wasn't a shock, as in, we knew it was a possibility, but we honestly didn't expect it to happen the first month, given our history.
We are thankful, of course. I'm relieved that I won't have to deal with month after month of waiting and disappointment. I wouldn't wish that emotional turmoil on anyone, and unfortunately I have several friends who deal with this today. I think about them all the time.
I wasn't sure if I was quite ready for another baby. We've always thought we'd like to have siblings close in age, but as Ellie got older and the thought of growing our family became more real, I had moments of doubt.
I worried about Ellie and how she would do without our undivided attention. Ironically, this is also one of the many reasons we want another baby. I think about having two in diapers at the same time. Or our tiny house and the fact that these two will have to share a room as soon as I decide I can't have a newborn in our room anymore. With Ellie, it was when she was 2 weeks old. (We both slept better as soon as she moved to her own room.) But again, this is also something we want.
I worry if I can handle two at home during the day. I wonder how we can afford another baby and all the doctor visits and appointments and other costs that incur with a baby.
I worry if our marriage gets enough attention now, let alone what will happen with another little one to occupy our time, thoughts, and energy.
I worry that I will be so tired those first several weeks that I will not give Ellie the attention she needs.
I worry that after having such a good-natured, easy-going, good eater and sleeper and overall happy baby that we are in for something altogether different this time around.
But then, I think about all that we have to look forward to. The intense love that pours out the moment we see our tiny little bundle. The cuddles and sweetness of a newborn. The opportunity for Ellie to have a sibling to love and play with and share with and to learn all the important lessons that happen growing up with a sibling.
I often question God's timing. And once again, in this process, I was a bit surprised at the timing of this baby. But I'm already seeing so many wonderful things about this. I know even future plans that I'm not yet aware of will be affected by this timing, and I see God's hand in it all.
I'm thankful that pregnancy lasts 40 weeks so that we have time to adjust to this new addition, from moving from a family of three to four, to all the other changes that will undoubtedly arise. This pregnancy feels like it's zooming by much more quickly than the last one and I'm trying to soak up all the time I have left with our sweet family of three before our life as we know it changes again forever. I can't wait.