The Way I See It

A few days ago I received a comment on one of my blog posts from a stranger. I never know who reads my blog because most people don't leave comments, and I'm surprised but also thrilled when I hear that people I don't know read my blog.

The comment said, "You always seem to make your child out to be perfect and the things you do for her. How about writing some time of the struggles you have as a parent or the challenges in your family. I'm sure they are present, yet since this is a blog perhaps all you want to reveal is the good..."

I take any form of criticism to heart, and this, from a total stranger, had me thinking. I didn't sleep well that night. This is specifically something I wonder about: Do I make parenting sound too easy? Am I naive? Do I sound like I have it all figured out? Am I always presenting only the good side of parenting? Should I stop talking about how great of a kid I know I have? I even asked my husband what I could be blogging about that would be more struggle and less "perfect."

After reflecting on this for a couple days, here are my thoughts:

1. I started this blog to reflect and verbally process, and ultimately, to keep my family and friends all over the world updated on our lives. Bluntly, this is my space and I feel like I can express what I want, how I want. I've also recently received feedback from friends who've expressed specific appreciation for what I've written about and how I communicate my own research and knowledge as I journey through mommyhood. I guess one person's critique is another's praise.

2. I'm not sure how long this person has read my blog but if he/she went back in time they'd find many, many posts about the very hard experience we had of having a miscarriage, trying to conceive, moving, and even questioning the timing of all these things. I think I'm an open book and if anything, have leaned on the side of sharing too much information and intimate details, often being "too" vulnerable on the internet (or so I've thought).

3. I have an easy baby. There. I said it. It's just the way it is. I will own it completely. She started sleeping through the night at 5 weeks old and has slept well ever since. Sure, she has her moments and days where she wakes up early or in the night, but it's rare, and nothing like the experience of many of my friends with babies.

She eats well and ever since we started her on solids has eaten just about anything we give her. She has her days when she's a little picky, but mostly, she eats healthy food and lots of it. She eats what we eat. I don't necessarily think it's what we've done, although we do offer her a large variety, I think every child is different and ours is one who just isn't picky. What else can I say?

The other day at a friend's house there were about eight kids all eating cupcakes, and one cupcake came back to the kitchen, the frosting a little smudged, but otherwise untouched. That was Ellie's. She just wasn't interested in it. I'm sure she will be one day, but for now, she isn't.

When her teeth come in we barely notice a fuss. She just popped two more molars this week and if I s-t-r-e-t-c-h the truth a little I could probably say maybe she seemed a little more clingy. But honestly her behavior has been no different other than she has been chewing on her finger a bit. No late nights, no crying or fussing or teething rings.

She's social, loves people, flies on an airplane quietly and sweetly, and is simply a happy girl. When we tell her "no," she may cry and complain for a bit but even then she "obeys" and knows to stop. (I'm guessing this will change with the approaching toddler tantrums).

Of course we've had meltdowns. Of course there have been difficult times. But it's all relative to what I know, and mostly what I know is that compared to all my friends I have it really, really good. How can I complain to my friend about being woken up an hour earlier than normal when her baby is up every few hours in the night and Ellie is sleeping for 12 hours? Or when new (newer than me) moms ask me what I did in a particular situation, or with a certain typical baby problem, and I have to honestly answer that I barely had to do anything, or that Ellie is a unique girl and not typical of most babies?

My most difficult time so far as a mom came the first 6 weeks when learning to nurse. I didn't blog about it in detail because I didn't think my male readers would want to know details. But you name it and I had it: mastitis (at least 5-6 separate times); thrush; I was stuck with the shield AND the shell, I was in pain to the point of tears as Ellie nursed, and had bloody, sore, extremely painful nipples (yes, I just said that on my blog. How's that for honesty?). I cried during almost every nursing session for weeks. I went to a lactation consultant almost daily for the first few weeks of Ellie's life, trying to get her to latch on without a shield. I wanted to give up, especially when even the lactation consultant told me it might not be possible. It was stressful and difficult. But I was determined. I completely understand why some people give up, and for a lot less than what I was facing. Eventually, after many, many tears and with a lot of hard work it happened. Not all at once, but I got to a point where I said adios to those blasted shields, hopefully never to see them again. That was not an easy part of starting out as a mom, especially when saddled with the sleep deprivation and the sleepless nights, but I am so grateful that I was able to nurse Ellie fully, and didn't wean her until after I found out I was pregnant again. It was worth all that agony. I truly think that if I was able to nurse and work though all my issues, most other moms can too. I love to encourage other moms who are struggling with it because I can share my experience.

Another "less than perfect" situation was when Ellie was a few months old and she suddenly started waking up an hour or two into her night's sleep and would stay awake, crying until her last late night feed. This went on for two months and we tried everything to get her to go back to sleep. It was annoying. A little inconvenient, mostly because she was consistently interrupting our Friday Night Lights marathon. But even then, we were still awake, it's not like it was 3 am and the middle of the night, so how could I validly complain about my trivial TV interruption? Once she fell back asleep it was solid sleep again until the morning.

Because we've had such an overall easy-going baby, we are mentally preparing (if that's possible) for a less-than-easy baby with number two. We can't imagine it getting much easier, and maybe we're due for some rough parenting experiences (many of you are probably agreeing that we "deserve" a harder baby. Maybe we do.) I hope and pray that my second round of attempting to nurse will be much less stressful, and I know a few things to do differently this time around. But we're excited and ready. Which leads me to my last thought...

4. I love being a mom. The experience I have of staying home with my daughter (soon to be plural) is absolutely wonderful. Lately I've been dwelling on the big picture of staying home and what that means. I'm not using my college degrees directly. I'm not contributing significantly to our financial income. But I have the undeniably huge task and privilege of being home with my child and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Maybe I am overly positive about motherhood. Maybe I tend to focus on all the things that are going well. I think it's because I'm truly passionate about trying (and failing) to be the best mom I can be, and love sharing that with others. Yes, I make mistakes and yes life isn't perfect and yes sometimes I am at a total, utter loss as to what a wise mom should do (welcome to toddlerhood and beyond). Lately I've tended to blog about all the positive things because I see each experience through the eyes of my daughter, who gets to spend her days with me and not at a daycare, and I am realizing what I'm ultimately providing for her. I know this situation isn't practical for everyone, and it's not meant to comment on people who have to do that out of necessity or even desire. But for me, and in my house and in my family, this is a priority and one we've sacrificed things for to make happen.

Even when the little moments of tears and frustration and tantrums and cleaning up messes and poop make up parts of my day (things that don't seem blog-worthy), I see the big picture, and I feel lucky. More than lucky, I am blessed in immeasurable ways more wonderful than I ever imagined before becoming a mom. I love the big picture, and that's what I tend to focus on, both daily and here on my blog.

I welcome any and all comments, positive and negative, and take each to heart.

(Coming soon: a blog post about a not-so-fun mommy moment).