Never a Dull Moment

The Chapmans have news. Again.

But first, here are some pictures of our cute kids feeding and chasing birds in the Central Plaza. 

Ok. Our news.

After a lot of reflection and conversations about what's best for us and our family, Michael has accepted a job offer to work at Medical Teams International, based in Tigard, Oregon. We will be moving to Oregon at the beginning of July. We are thrilled that we will be back in the state that we have referred to as "home" for years, though it's been almost 10 since we've lived there long-term.

With less than 2 years to go on our contract with MCC, this was a difficult decision for us. We have trusted the process and feel a huge peace in this decision. But we know how a decision like this affects our staff, our counterparts in other countries, our bosses, and of course, the partners and projects with whom we work.

MCC has been a wonderful organization to work for. They've been extremely supportive of us as a family and have cared for us well. We greatly appreciate the work they do and will continue to do and we will dearly miss the people we've come to know and love.

We've had an amazing three years here in Guatemala. We have no regrets. We are thankful for the friendships we've made and the experiences we've had. We leave happy and content. We are changed for the better.

But we also leave ready for another phase in life. We are excited that Ellie has the possibility of enrolling in a Dual-Immersion Kindergarten program that is 90% Spanish. I am excited to have time at home with Hazel and Ruby before Hazel starts Kindergarten one short year later.  I'm excited to possibly use my Oregon Teacher's License that I have maintained valid all this time.

So, it's sad news in some ways. I hate despedidas (goodbyes). There are friends and things about life here we will miss. We know we will look back and always see this as a precious experience in the life of our family. But this is good news too. This feels like a good change at the right time for our family, for us as a couple, and most importantly a chance to live closer to family and friends.

Oregon, ready or not, here we come!

Embrace the Chaos or, How I'm Surviving

As a new mom of three, I keep adjusting my expectations in order to survive. I have these mantras to help me get through the day. Enjoy your kids. One hour at a time. Embrace the Now. My newest, Embrace the Chaos. 

I'm normally a fairly organized person. I like order. Michael and I have had a routine for longer than I can remember that after the girls go to bed we finish putting away any last toys or clothes or chaos floating around. Until we've done that, we can't seem to relax.

When we were first married, a source of newlywed tension was our different approaches to washing dishes. My philosophy was to get them done right after dinner so I could have the rest of the night to "let down my hair." Michael would tell me he'd do the dishes, and he meant that he would, just later. I couldn't stand the mess, so I'd end up washing them myself. I've since been able to let this go, but it took a while.

What I didn't realize until recently is to what level these messes drive me bonkers. The other day our living room looked like a tornado had blown through. In this case, it was actually two cute ones, one named Ellie and the other named Hazel. There we were in the middle of puzzle pieces strewn about, along with toys, shoes, sweaters, backpacks, crayons, markers, and cut up scraps of paper, and I realized I was nagging. As soon as the girls dropped one activity and moved on to another, I began. 

"Clean up those puzzle pieces." 

"Sweep up those scraps you cut up all over the floor." 

"Don't get out that toy until you pick up the other ones." 

In my mind I was doing this because I want to teach them about cleaning up after themselves, that it's not OK to make huge messes and never clean up. And that's partly true, I'm sure. But I realized how much of this was because I couldn't stand the chaos. It was causing me stress because I was letting it.

Then I had an aha! moment. I need to just LET. IT. GO.  

I have become a nagger and a yeller, and it's almost all related to cleaning up. So, I realized that if I held cleaning up messes a bit looser, I might find myself become a happier, less naggy mom. It also meant the girls could actually enjoy play time and the freedom to just be little kids making messes. What a novel thought. This doesn't mean we won't clean up afterwards, but it doesn't have to be the minute they are done playing.

In fact.

We *might* not even clean up the same day. Confession: I have actually left messes out overnight, and even for days now.

The girls had a huge tea party upstairs in their new play area a few days ago. The dishes and food are still in the same spot they are in this picture:

We've been walking around them for a few days now. I've left them, partly as a reminder to just embrace the mess, and partly because I just haven't had the energy to get the girls to clean it up. I know at some point we'll get a burst of energy and do it. Until then, the mess remains. There are other little messes all over the house. 

It helps that the majority of the girls' toys are now in this play area upstairs. What drove Michael and I the craziest was when our living space where we wanted to relax after bedtime routines was a mess. Now the majority of the mess is upstairs. We still pass it several times a day by our bedrooms, but it's a little easier to ignore. 

With two girls I was able to manage the chaos, but I have realized quickly with a third that it's not sustainable to care so much about the toys and clothes all over the house. Feeding or rocking a screaming baby means I might just have to let the girls make huge messes. Yesterday while I was nursing Ruby the girls were playing in the dirt outside and were covered from head to toe in mud within a few minutes. I wasn't planning on doing baths, but they sort of gave me no choice. Yet another change that having three kids has produced. Currently, with Michael out of town, this philosophy is helping me survive a week alone with the girls. I'm embracing the chaos, letting the messes signify fun being had and not a source of stress. 

We Survived Year 1

We landed in Guatemala in April of last year. 

On the plane to Guatemala

We’ve lapped the one year mark.

These girls have changed so much in a year.

Our first week in Guatemala

How have we changed? Who are we, one year later?

It’s been a dense year, full of changes in culture, lifestyle, language, 3 home moves, a steep learning curve to a very demanding job, watching our 9 month-old and 2 year old grow in confidence and language skills, and, not to be overlooked, learning to work together as a couple.

Often change happens so slowly that we can’t name it until there’s a stark contrast from “before.” 

So, how have we changed?

-We eat meat again. I still don’t cook with it at home but we eat out regularly with our travel schedule and the girls really love chicken.

-We continue to think about what it means to live with less. We downsized to 8 duffel bags to move to Guatemala, and then inherited a house full of items from past MCC workers. I am more aware of how much we have in excess than what we lack, especially compared to people we come into contact with every day.

-Simple things like brown sugar from the States bring a lot of joy. After months of putting up with weird brown sugar here, my life is changed for the better because I can enjoy the flavor of my oatmeal again, thanks to my in-laws bringing me packages of brown sugar from the States. 

Goodies from the States I don't get here.

-I’ve heard that personalities change in different languages, and that seems to be true for us. Normally a verbal processor, I don’t have many English speakers with whom I can talk with freely, besides my husband. This has been extremely difficult since I don’t speak Spanish super well, and especially not to the level where I can express myself like I often would like. I’ve become more introverted, quiet, less chatty in group situations. In contrast, because of his high level of Spanish, Michael has stepped up and become more outgoing, intentional in conversation, and to most people here is much less the introvert. I wonder if 4 more years of this pattern will form and shape us more permanently? 

-We don’t get many date opportunities. In the States, we had our occasional dinner out away from the girls and even a couple nights, thanks to trusted friends in Fresno. Here, we have left the girls exactly 3 times, twice after they were in bed for a couple hours where someone stayed in the living room, and once over night when their aunt and uncle were here. We have less freedom to make time for ourselves as a couple. That has a multitude of implications. 

-My girls are amazingly adaptable. They've adopted to life and language and frequent traveling with so much ease.

 -I care less about certain material things. We are still American consumers, and with a bounty of opportunities to partake in American stores, (Costco, Sears, fancy malls), we can still easily get caught up in “stuff” here. But, there’s been a shift. I’m rarely on Pinterest, except when I need to find a specific recipe. I don’t look for how to make my house “nice.” I already live in abundance, even if all my things are mismatched or partially glued together. My girls don’t have a well painted, smartly-decorated room with matching bedspreads and wall hangings and floor rugs. Yet they’re still happy.

-It’s hard for me to take “first world problems” seriously when Guatemala has one of the highest country chronic malnutrition rates in the world (usually swings between #3 and #4). Many people in this country don’t have access to clean water or basic food. I just can’t care that you found a good deal on those expensive shoes that could have fed families here for weeks. I'm not judging, I just don't know how to share that joy.

-We greet everyone with a kiss on the cheek. It’s a habit now. 

-We lock our doors in the car every where we drive.

-We don’t always wear our seat belts.

-Though both my girls are almost always in their carseats (and my 22 month-old is still rear-facing), there are times when at least one of them is unbuckled, sitting on my lap. This is a common reality here and doesn’t induce panic in this safety-mongering mom like it did when we first arrived. Sometimes it’s simply more practical. Either Ellie sits on my lap, or I force someone to sit in the truck bed. Fortunately, for my own sanity, Hazel has very rarely not been in a car seat. She’s just too squirmy. 

-I’ve learned how to make popcorn in a pot on the stove, without my beloved Whirley Pop, how to use a pressure cooker to cook beans in an hour (this was a major paradigm shift), and how to to knead dough by hand without my KitchenAid. 

Our MCC Office

-It’s hard to be a part-time worker and a full-time mom. Really hard. I haven’t figured out yet how to do it well. I'm not sure I will ever figure it out.

-I’ve learned living in another country can be exciting, scary, comfortable, uncomfortable, challenging, and life-changing.

Adventuring together in Peru last month.

So far, it's been worth it.

What They Didn't Tell Me On My Wedding Day

I recently met an engaged couple who will live thousands of miles apart until their wedding day. They explained how it will be difficult when they get married, but they assured me that if they didn't think they could handle it, they wouldn't be getting married.

That's when I realized that everyone thinks this as a new couple, that we're invincible.We think, Of course we can handle it. Sure, it's going to be hard. But we did our pre-marriage counseling. We dated a long time. We weathered painful situations and emerged stronger because of them. We communicate well. We won't make the mistakes of our friends and families. We're good. We're the exception. We're special.  

As a young engaged couple, several people warned us about the difficulty of marriage.

Marriage is hard, they'd say. It takes a lot of work.

I believed them on some level, as much as I could. Kind of. The problem is that no one knows what it actually means. It's vague and unhelpful. It's more of a threat or a warning than helpful advice. 

I remember the first time I thought, Wow, this marriage thing IS hard, just like they said. We were about 6 months into our marriage. I don't recall the details of the argument, but I remember exactly where we were sitting and how I felt when that first feeling of doubt and panic washed over me.

After 9 years of marriage, I remember my just-turned-22-year-old self on my wedding day. I was confident. I was happy. I felt ready. Only, I wish someone had been bluntly honest with me about a few things.

I wish someone had told me that no couple is invincible or untouchable. Human beings are susceptible to loneliness, depression, anger, miscommunication, assumptions, misunderstandings, and irrational thoughts. I suppose someone may have said this to me in some form. If they did, it felt inapplicable to me.

It's dangerous to believe you're immune to problems. The number of friends and family members who have experienced painful divorces tells me this is true. We all think somehow our situation will be the exception. Therein lies the danger.

Marriage IS hard, but not because a couple will fight over who washes the dishes, or how to wash the dishes, or when to wash the dishes. Arguments are expected and normal and can be healthy. Those are the comical honeymoon stage arguments that we laugh about later. 

I wish someone had told me it's hard because no one can predict the unexpected pain, the losses, the mistakes, the impatient rash words. No one can predict how simple decisions can turn into life-altering events. 

People erroneously think big life changes will help "fix" relationship problems: having a baby, moving, buying a house, getting a new job. These don't fix problems, they create a new lens with which to amplify already existing problems.

Damaging words can't be part of the vocabulary. I know couples who toss around the ominous d-word (divorce) in arguments like a ping-pong ball. They might as well sign the papers now. That word can't exist. Half of all marriages end in divorce. It's too real a word within too close a reach to be used in any capacity. 

I wish someone had told me to focus on my own problems and not so much on my spouse. I once had a counselor tell me that the problem with popular marriage advice books is that they focus on spouses fulfilling each other's needs. Though there is validity in finding ways to love your spouse in a way they connect to, it's not the whole picture. If your marriage is not fulfilling, these books say, it's because your spouse isn't speaking to you in your "love language" or isn't filling your "love tank." The responsibility of your happiness, therefore, lies on your spouse. This is unfair and unrealistic for both, and can lead to looking to other people or things to replace what is lacking.

I wish someone had told me that "for better or for worse" could be worse before it gets better, but it can get better. There is hope in all this. Couples who have weathered unimaginable storms do survive. They can come out stronger, closer, and wiser. It requires hard work and commitment. It requires humility and grace. It requires waking up every morning with the firm choice to go forward together, letting go of yesterday. For better or for worse. In good times and in bad. By the grace of God.